5 Things I Wish I Had Known When I Came Out Later in Life.

Image description: A picture of a woman wearing a white track suit top, covering her clothes and the way behind her is a rainbow symbolizing pride. She is wearing sunglasses, has her hair in a ponytail and her eyes are closed.

As I sat down to write a blog post on coming out later in life I began to wonder: “how long has it been since I came out as a lesbian?” A quick search through my calendar and I realized that today is in fact my fourth year anniversary of coming out as a lesbian. So a very happy lesbian coming out anniversary to me 🏳️‍🌈🎉🎂! While previous years I’ve celebrated with cake, sharing reflections on my queer journey on Instagram, kissing a partner-today I just celebrated by being a rural queer aka going for a long muddy walk and then coming home to my sweet house in the woods. The reality is that my relationship to my queerness has shifted and deepened over the last few years, my queerness still feels so beloved to me-just in new ways.

I have so much compassion and grace for my baby gay self who four years ago in a small town in Spain named: “I think I’m a lesbian.” It felt scary, exciting and so big to look at myself in the mirror and say “I’m a lesbian.” I love how my excitement translated to telling the close people in my life and not even imagining they wouldn’t be 100% supportive. How I was so excited about the prospect of dating women and moving to a very queer town. Later on that excitement would soften and leave space for other feelings such as grief, anger and confusion about the experiences of compulsory heterosexuality. I’ve often wished that I could go back to support and care for my newly out baby gay self. Here are some sweet words of wisdom, encouragement and support that I wish I had received when I was at the start of my coming out journey.

1.) It makes sense that this feels big and tender.

When I came out as a lesbian in my mid 30’s it felt tender, exciting and scary. There were so not so great reactions from people who I had thought were safe people. I wasn’t yet resourced in my queerness and it made so much sense that microagressions and gaslighting felt devastating to me. Something that I’m so grateful for is how I validated the bigness and tenderness of coming out later in life.

If I could go back and whisper words of encouragement to my younger self I would share things like:

This really is a big thing to do and it makes sense that it feels really tender.

It’s okay to place boundaries and step away from people who aren’t supportive.

What would be the most loving thing for your queerness? Can you amplify different ways you can support your queer self?

2.) So many people come out later in life.

Before I discover #latebloominglesbian on TikTok and Instagram, I knew only a few people who had also come out later in life. I felt lonely and also a little embarrassed about being newly out. I wasn’t quite certain how to share with women on dating apps that I had recently come out and I honestly wondered if no one would want to date me if they knew I was a baby gay. Spoiler: not a single woman on a dating app seemed to mind that I was newly out.

If I could go back, I would gently remind my younger self that coming out later in life is super common! I would direct her to the amazing content online where other late blooming queers share their stories and experiences. I would remind my baby gay self that it’s so amazing that she realized such a big thing about herself later in life and that is worthy of some big celebration.

3.) There is so much you don’t know and that’s okay.

Coming out later in life AND moving back to the U.S. after having lived in Spain for 7+ years was a huge change. I think there was a way in which I was embarrassed to be newly out and all the things that I didn’t know-both related to being a lesbian and also someone who previously lived in a different country. If I could go back I’d whisper to my younger self: “there is SO much that you don’t know and that’s okay.” I’d gently hand her a guide of queer resources and encourage her to take the time to learn about queer language, culture and history. To be comfortable in the not knowing, to know that there is nothing shameful in being newly out and not knowing all the things. It takes time and it’s okay to go at a pace that works for you.

4.) You deserve to receive queer affirming care and support.

When I came out later in life I quickly realized that my two coaching certifications hadn’t prepared me for the very specific realities of coming out later in life. I remember feeling a longing for queer specific tools and somatic practices-so I ended up creating my own or modifying practices I learned from previous teachers to make them queer affirming.

I’m so proud of all the tools and practices I did as a newly out lesbian. Things like queer inner child healing, space to unpack compulsory heterosexuality, visualizing a queer village as a resource, support while dating as a newly out lesbian. I was fortunate to work with a life coach who had also come out later in life and that was so helpful. But looking back I wish I had focused even more on the queer affirming care and support that I needed to receive. At the time I was also transitioning my business to focusing on queer centered trauma resolution coaching and looking back I wish I had given myself more space to focus on receiving queer affirming care and support. I wish I could have whispered to my newly out self:

What would be the best type of support for your queer self to receive?

What type of queer resources feel most supportive?

What are some queer unmet needs that would feel so healing to receive?

5.) People might not know you’re gay and it’s going to eventually stop bothering you.

When I came out later in life I really wanted everyone to know. Like I wanted to walk down the street and have people point at me and say “there goes a lesbian!” But alas I am femme as fuck and no one knows I’m gay unless I’m holding hands with a butch girlfriend. At first I did things like wear a pride pin to flag that I was gay-and that was great fun.

But then one day I woke up and realized that I felt my queerness so deeply in my bones that I just assumed that everyone would know that I’m gloriously gay. It stopped bothering me when I felt my queerness in every part of me, when I delighted in my queerness and felt so grounded in it. Looking back I would gently tell my younger self to get the gay bob haircut and to get all the pride gear she wants-it’s what she needs at that moment. But that one day not so far into the future she’ll stop worrying if people will know if she’s gay because she feels her queerness in every part of her body and that will feel incredible.

My queerness is so beloved to me.

I adore, celebrate and cherish my queerness and how it’s continued to evolve throughout these past four years. I love the part of me that’s made mistakes, had bad and good dating experiences and continued to learn about her queerness, the queer community and what it means to be a queer coach and practitioner.

When I think about my queerness, I think about devotion. I am so devoted to coming home to my queerness and what it means to me to be a queer femme woman living in the middle of the woods. Looking back there are so many words of wisdom I would share with my newly out self and I’m proud of all the ways my newly out self showed up for herself with such devotion, grace and sweetness.

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Tiffany Landry is a queer autistic coach and trauma resolution practitioner. She works with queer and autistic clients in her program The Autistic Mentorship. Tiffany also writes a newsletter on Substack called The Queer Autistic Newsletter.

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