Image description: A photo of a lesbian couple with one woman kissing the other’s cheek and embracing her.

I believe that we all deserve trauma informed care in all areas of our lives-including dating! As a queer autistic trauma coach I know both from my trainings and lived experience how beautiful it is when we get to receive (and give!) trauma informed care. To me showing up in our dating experiences with trauma informed care is a way of showing the other person that they matter so much and that we care about their experiences. However, I’ve found that a lot of us simply haven’t received the education on how we can show up in with trauma informed care in our dating and love lives. In this blog post I’m going to share 4 doable ways we can be trauma informed in dating.

What does it mean to be trauma informed in dating?

Trauma informed care in dating is about acknowledging that so many people have experienced trauma (such as developmental trauma, complex trauma, sexual trauma or autistic trauma) and that we can show up in ways to promote safety, care and consent.

Special note: This does not mean that we are responsible for “healing” someone else’s trauma. It does mean that our language, behavior and actions can create safer relational spaces.

1.) Consent is key.

For those of us who have experienced trauma, we often didn't get to say no to specific traumatic experiences that happened to us. Consent is the number one way we can be trauma informed in our dating and love lives. Consent can look like:

Checking in before sharing something (such as before sharing about your past relationship or your trauma history.)
Consent about pacing in the relationship. Are both of you comfortable and at ease with the pace? This is a fantastic thing to check in on.
Consent about intimacy, sexual boundaries and more. I’ll go more in depth on this below!

2.) Offer options!

A very easy way to be trauma informed and Neurodivergent Affirming is to offer options. That could look like things like:

“Hey, I’d love to ask you out on a dating if you feel ready for that. If not, I’m happy to continue texting.”
“For our date would you like to go to this fun but kind of noisy cafe or would a walk feel more sensory accessible?”
“I’m really enjoying chatting with you! Would you feel comfortable exchanging phone numbers or would you prefer to keep using the app?”

Image description: Over a blue background there is a title that says “4 ways to Be Trauma Informed” and a graphic of a phone with two hearts on the screen and the words “match!!” In different colored boxes the text reads: “consent is key”, “offer options”, “instead of assuming, ask”, “make intimacy trauma informed", “check in with each other.” There are images of flowers at the bottom corners of the graphic.

3.) Instead of assuming, ask.

Each of us come to relationships with specific experiences from past relationships, communication needs & desires as well as trauma. A good trauma informed rule is to ask instead of assuming. That could look like asking things like:

“Hey, I notice that I really love exchanging frequent texts but I wanted to check in on how you prefer to communicate.”
“I know we’ve been spending a lot of time together and I’m having so much fun getting to know you! I wanted to check in if you’re interested in a long term relationship or if you’re more interested in casual dating.”
“I know that you shared that you’re neurodivergent with me. What are some things that make dating more accessible for you?”

4.) Make sex & intimacy trauma informed.

Making sex trauma informed, sex positive and neurodivergent affirming is so very important.

Many of us have experienced sexual trauma, sexual shame or just had our sexual boundaries violated. Unfortunately, the majority of people didn’t receive the sex positive education that they deserved and therefore might not know how to be trauma informed in sex. Here are a few tips that can make sex & intimacy trauma informed, safer and accessible:

Before being intimate with someone talk to each about your sexual health in a sex positive way. That could include sharing when you were last tested for STIs and what you tested positive or negative for. Instead of using sex shaming language like “I’m clean”, simply say “I tested negative for….” and “I’m positive in…..”
Before you have sex with someone talk to them about safe(r) sex practices you want to engage in, your sexual likes and dislikes and your sexual boundaries. A great resource is to fill out this worksheet and share it with each other.
Talk about needs during sex! This is the time to share any accommodations, sensory needs during sex and things that make sex feel accessible. For example: you might share that you like to use earplugs during sex to support your sensory needs.
Check in before, during and after sex. Get consent and practicing checking in during sex. It can be a simple “does this feel good?” or “would you like stop or do you want to continue?”

Being trauma informed in dating is showing that we care.

My wildest dating dreams is that we all show up with trauma informed goodness in dating & love because we know how deeply we all matter. It can be so beautiful to show up with trauma informed care regardless of if you’re exchanging a few messages with someone on a dating app, going on a few dates or in a long term relationship. While there are more ways we can be trauma informed, these 4 tips are a good place to start. I hope you get to both receive and good trauma informed goodness and care in all of your relationships-including dating!

Was this helpful? If you’re seeking more support I’d love to support you in my 6 month program The Autistic Mentorship. The Autistic Mentorship is a combination of autistic life coaching, autistic centered trauma resolution and steady support. Head here for more info.

Tiffany Landry is an autistic life coach and trauma resolution practitioner for queer & autistic clients. As a late diagnosed autistic she loves supporting autistic clients to create autistic supportive lives that just feel good.

The information contained in this blog post is for general educational and informational purposes only and should not be construed as medical or mental health advice. The information provided is not a substitute for advice from a qualified professional who is aware of the facts and circumstances of your individual situation. We expressly recommend that you seek advice from a professional familiar with your specific situation.