Photo by Nadine Shaabana on Unsplash. Image description: A black and white photo of a person holding a hand in front of their face, palm facing towards the viewer.

For many of us late diagnosed autistics we might have grown up experiencing a lack of care and understanding for our core autistic needs. This could look like being gaslit in our autistic experiences, such as being told “you’re too sensitive, that sound isn’t that loud” or perhaps being shamed or made fun of for our autistic traits. When this is the foundation we grow up with, it can impact how we advocate for our autistic needs, our sense of self and our safety. Which is why getting the care we deserve as autistic adults is an important part of our healing journey-and part of that is identifying and feeling comfortable sharing our autistic boundaries. In this blog post I’ll share what autistic boundaries are, as well as how to identify and share your autistic boundaries.

What are autistic boundaries?

Image description: A graphic with a pink background, star graphics and several chat bubbles with the texts. The title reads: “Some examples of Autistic Boundaries Are” and the texts in the chat bubbles read: “I’m wearing my headphones to support my sensory needs but I can still hear you”, “Groups aren’t accessible to me so I won’t be able to go. Can we hang out one on one?” “During times of autistic burnout, I let my loved ones know I’m not available for a lot of socializing.” “I experience sensory pain in loud places, instead of going to a loud cafe-can we go for a walk instead?” “I honor my lack of spoons and give myself permission to do the bare minimum.” “I don’t do things that are disabling to me.”

Autistic boundaries are boundaries related to your autistic needs, desires and the accommodations you need so life is accessible and feels good and supportive. Autistic boundaries are essentially what you are a “yes” to and what you are a “no” to in relationship to your autistic needs and desires. It could include things like:

I don’t go to groups events because they make me go into a shutdown. If I’m invited to a group event I will decline to attend because my autistic health comes first.
I wear my headphones all day long to support my sensory needs.
During autistic burnout I share with my friends that I won’t be able to socialize in x way due to having to conserve my spoons.

We often frame boundaries as what we are a no to but I believe that it’s also very important to identify our “yes’s” and what we might frame as our autistic desires. So just like we might be a no to doing activities that are disabling, we might also be a yes to things like:

Dedicating time to things that gives up autistic joy (such as stimming or special interest time.)
Spending time in environments that are supportive and soothing to our autistic selves.
Quality time with people where I feel fully seen as an autistic person.

Why are autistic boundaries so important?

Things like experiencing being gaslit around your autistic needs, grown up without the autistic care and support you needed or perhaps have internalized ableism can often mean you:

Feel like your needs don’t matter.
Have difficulty advocating for your autistic needs.
Ignore your pain or discomfort. Ex: ignoring your sensory pain because you feel uncomfortable advocating for your sensory needs.
Have landed in autistic burnout due to consistently not getting your autistic needs met, being high masking or both.

Being gaslit around your autistic experiences can lead to not trusting yourself and your experiences. This can mean you might stay in unsafe situations or stay in relationships or environments that are unsupportive or are harmful.

You can begin to heal from growing up without the autistic care that you deserved by slowly:

Knowing that you matter and that you deserve to get your autistic needs met.
Identifying your autistic needs and desires.
Sharing your needs and boundaries with others.

This is hard and deep work.

Beginning to identify and share our boundaries can sometimes feel scary due to a variety of reasons. If it feels scary it might be supportive to name that and to give yourself a lot of validation and compassion. You might tell yourself: “it makes so much sense that this feels scary.”

Then you might ask yourself: “what is the smallest doable step I might take towards exploring my autistic boundaries?” We always want to work with our sensitive nervous systems. Which means asking yourself: “what’s the smallest doable step I might take that feels doable but not overwhelming or too much?” That might look like:

Spending months just identifying a few autistic boundaries and writing them down in a journal.
Sharing a small boundary with a trusted loved one.
Role playing sharing boundaries with a trusted friend. Practicing saying “no” and having it be okay to say no.
Getting support to advocate for an autistic need in your personal or work life.

Please note: since boundary work can be such tender work if possible I highly recommend working with an autistic affirming coach or therapist.

Autistic boundaries was such important work for me.

When I was deep in autistic burnout and struggling in my daily life-doing work on my autistic boundaries felt life saving to me. Some of them were small boundaries (like wearing my headphones all day long) while others were bigger things like making my business accessible to my needs (such as only doing audio phone call sessions.) Tending to my autistic boundaries has supported me in creating a life that’s autistic supportive and accessible. I love working with my private clients on autistic boundaries because I have seen first hand how impactful autistic boundaries can be. If you’d like 1:1 support on working on things like autistic boundaries and creating a life that feels autistic supportive and affirming please check out my program The Autistic Mentorship.

Tiffany Landry is a queer autistic coach and trauma resolution practitioner. She works with queer and autistic clients in her program The Autistic Mentorship and in her Support Sessions. Tiffany also writes a newsletter on Substack called The Queer Autistic Newsletter.

The information contained in this blog post is for general educational and informational purposes only and should not be construed as medical or mental health advice. The information provided is not a substitute for advice from a qualified professional who is aware of the facts and circumstances of your individual situation. We expressly recommend that you seek advice from a professional familiar with your specific situation.