4 Beliefs About Coming Out Later in Life.
Image description: a wheel composed of white, blue, green and beige colors is on a light pink background. There is a white heart in the middle that reads “Beautiful Coming Out Later in Life Reminders. The six spaces on the wheel read: “coming out later in life is so powerful, brave and also very common!”, “my queerness is beautiful!”, “I’m the only one who gets to decide my identity”, “I get to decide when, if and how I want to share that I’m LGBTQIA+ with others.”, “I trust my queerness”, “I support my queer identity with lots of care, care and kindness.” The website www.tiffany-landry.com is written at the bottom of the graphic.
When I work with queer clients who are coming home to their sexuality and/or gender later in life I like to start off by validating that it makes so much sense that they are coming out/coming in later in life. So many of us “late blooming” queers both didn’t grow up receiving the queer education that we deserved but unfortunately we DID receive lots of messages just by living in a cisheteropatriarchy society. So if you’re coming out later in life and wondering “why did it take me 30+ years to know this thing about myself that the TikTok algorithm found out in 5 seconds?” it might be supportive to take a pause and remind yourself that it makes so much sense that you’re coming out later in life. In this blog post I’m going to share 4 common coming out later in life beliefs and the queer affirming truth behind each belief.
Belief #1: It’s too late to come out.
Image description: The image has a message about coming out as LGBTQIA+ later in life and there is a rainbow background. The text includes two white text bubbles. The first bubble reads in black text: "Belief: It’s too late to come out.” The response bubble says: “Truth: So many LGBTQIA+ folks come out later in life-it’s actually quite common! It’s never too late to come home to your sexuality and/or gender.” The image includes a website link for more information.
I remember thinking from my late 20’s to my mid 30’s thinking “it’s too late for me to come out.” I think for many of us it can feel that it’s too late to come out due to things like:
a lack of representation of other late blooming queers. Which is why is so amazing that there’s now a lot more representation of folks who come out later in life.
fears around dating after coming out later in life. Will anyone want to date me?
fears of losing relationships-especially if coming out would mean an end to a marriage, relationship or friendships.
a lack of queer education around topics like: coming out, dating and sex, how to know if you’re LGBTQIA+.
What’s the queer support we need? Things like: queer representation, access to queer education and listening to other late blooming queers’ experiences, queer affirming therapy or coaching support.
Belief #2: Your Sexuality Depends On Your Dating History.
Image description: The image has a message about coming out as LGBTQIA+ later in life and there is a rainbow background. The text includes two white text bubbles. The first bubble reads in black text: "Belief: Your sexuality depends on your dating history.” The response bubble says: “Truth: Our sexuality doesn’t depend on who we’ve dated or slept with in the past. Ex: You can be a lesbian even if you previously dated and slept with men.” The image includes a website link for more information.
Whether you’ve told yourself “I can’t possible be gay because I….” or had someone tell that you can’t be a specific identity because of your past-remember that your sexuality does not depend on your past or current dating history. That means that:
Being bisexual does not depend on who you are dating. Example: You are still bisexual if you are in a relationship with a cis man.
You can be a lesbian even if you previously dated, married and slept with men.
You and ONLY you get to decide who you are.
What’s the queer support we need?
Validation! If you’ve been gaslit around your sexuality or gender what is going to feel so healing is to get the validation.
To feel seen, heard and celebrated in your sexuality and gender.
To feel included and seen in the queer community.
Belief #3: You’re not gay, you’re just confused.
Image description: The image has a message about coming out as LGBTQIA+ later in life and there is a rainbow background. The text includes two white text bubbles. The first bubble reads in black text: "Belief: You’re not gay, you’re just confused.” The response bubble says: “Truth: While it IS confusing to grow up with compulsory heterosexuality and being gaslit about our sexuality, we can trust ourselves. We and only we get to decide and claim what our sexuality and gender are.” The image includes a website link for more information.
Ahh the common invalidating messages of “You’re not gay, you’re just confused!” But isn’t it so interesting and an excellent example of compulsory heterosexuality how we don’t tell heterosexual and cisgender children and adults that they are confused? It’s important to remember that:
You and ONLY you can know what your sexuality and gender are. Other people don’t get to decide what your identity is.
You can trust that you know yourself and your sexuality and gender.
What’s the queer support we need?
Work with a queer affirming practitioner so we can heal from gaslighting and root in our trust in our queerness.
Boundaries when we receive comments that invalidate our queerness. Example: “Actually that’s not true and it’s not okay for you to say that.”
Spaces where we can feel safe, seen and celebrated in our queerness.
Belief #4: You’re not queer, it’s just trauma.
Image description: The image has a message about coming out as LGBTQIA+ later in life and there is a rainbow background. The text includes two white text bubbles. The first bubble reads in black text: "Belief: You’re not queer, it’s just trauma.” The response bubble says: “Truth: “Sometimes it can be both (aka we’ve both experienced trauma AND realized later in life that we’re LGBTQIA+) But often we realize that we’re queer later in life due to a variety of factors: such as a lack of queer representation and education for example.” The image includes a website link for more information.
It’s’s true that queer folks can have trauma-both trauma related to being queer as well as trauma like complex trauma or sexual trauma. But having trauma doesn’t mean that you’re not LGBTQIA+, just like having trauma doesn’t mean that someone isn’t straight. While this belief is often used to invalidate someone’s queerness, it’s important to remember that:
Again you and only you know your sexuality and gender.
It’s very possible to be both queer AND have trauma-and that doesn’t mean that you’re confused or wrong about being queer. It just means that you’re a queer human with trauma.
A good rule of thumb is to ask yourself: “would this make sense if it was asked about a straight person?” Like would it make sense to go up to a straight friend and say: “hey, I don’t think you’re really attracted to men-I think you just have a lot of trauma with women and that’s why you’re in relationships with men.”
What’s the queer support we need?
Grounding in our queerness so we know deep in our bones that we are queer and can trust that we know our identity.
Being validated and affirmed in out queerness after we receive comments like these.
Boundaries around the type of comments you receive.
What can we do if we’ve been told these beliefs or internalized them?
When we’re coming out later in life our queerness can sometimes feel so tender. Which is why we want to make sure that we’re receiving the queer affirming care that we need. If you’re heard or internalized one or more of the above beliefs it might be supportive to look at the corresponding queer support ideas and explore 1-2 types of care you might receive. You might ask yourself: “what would be the most loving thing for my queer self to receive?” or “what care would feel so supportive for my queerness right now?” I hope it feels supportive to explore small and doable ways you can tend to your queerness, you deserve queer affirming care and support.
Tiffany Landry is a queer autistic coach and trauma resolution practitioner. She works with queer and autistic clients in her program The Autistic Mentorship. You can subscribe to her free newsletter on Substack called The Queer Autistic Newsletter.
The information contained in this blog post is for general educational and informational purposes only and should not be construed as medical or mental health advice. The information provided is not a substitute for advice from a qualified professional who is aware of the facts and circumstances of your individual situation. We expressly recommend that you seek advice from a professional familiar with your specific situation.