I’m Autistic And Here’s How I Respond to Ableist Comments.
Image description: Over a purple background there is an image of a text message with a match on a dating app. The first message reads: “Hey, I think that comment might have come from a lack of education but I wanted to share that it’s actually an ableist term. I’m happy to send you a few social media posts to explain more if you’d like.” The second text reads: “Thank you so much for sharing this with me. I’d love to learn more so I can be autistic affirming.” The website www.tiffany-landry.com is at the bottom of the graphic.
I remember so clearly the first time someone said something ableist to me on a dating app. At the time I had recently realized that I was autistic and finding out such important information about myself and unpacking years of internalized ableism felt like so much. I remember feeling very tender about being autistic which is why it felt harmful when women I was either dating or interested in dating would make ableist and/or problematic comments. As a late diagnosed autistic it felt so hurtful when people would say things like:
“Don’t worry, no one can tell that you’re autistic.”
“I’m a scientist and we’re working on finding a cure.”
“Well you must be high functioning because you obviously communicate very well.”
“What type of autistic are you?”
So what can we do when we experience ableist comments or beliefs? In this blog post I’m going to share how I respond to ableist comments, how I unpack my own internalized ableism and tend to my autistic well being.
Why do people make ableist comments?
I truly believe that most people don’t want to make ableist comments or use problematic language. In the past 2+ years since receiving my autism diagnosis what I see again and again is that people make ableist comments due to two factors:
1.) Due to a general lack of education and information about neurodivergence, disability, mental health and ableist language.
2.) A lot of these messages and beliefs come growing up in an ableist society. So many people have yet to begin to unlearn beliefs and language that they’ve been exposed to their whole lives.
It can be helpful to recognize that sometimes ableist comments come from a lack of education and information AND that doesn’t erase the very real impact. We can both understand that an ableist comment comes from a lack of education on autism and we can set boundaries. We can acknowledge the reason why someone used problematic language and we can also express our hurt, anger or exhaustion.
Create a foundation of autistic health.
The best way we can support ourselves when we experience ableist comments is by having a steady foundation of autistic health and well being. By having a steady foundation of autistic health and well being I mean that you have autistic affirming spaces and practitioners where you:
Unpack your own internalized ableism.
Have a “tool box” of autistic tools to support you as you navigate your own journey of being a late diagnosed autistic or AuDHDer.
Have opportunities to feel seen, heard and celebrated in your autistic self.
Access to autistic and AuDHDer affirming spaces where it’s safe to be your authentic self and form connections.
Autistic affirming practitioners where you can do deep work of healing internalized ableism, shame and trauma.
Having a steady foundation doesn’t mean that we brush off ableist comments or that they don’t impact us. It does mean that we feel grounded and supported in our autistic identity. That ableist comments might still hurt or feel exhausting but we don’t internalize the ableist messages as things that are true.
Create a protocol to support you when you hear ableist comments.
As a late diagnosed autistic and autistic coach I absolutely love protocols, scripts and routines-which is why I created The Holy Ableism Protocol to support myself after hearing ableist comments. I encourage you to create your own protocol or you can follow the steps in this blog post for the Holy Ableism Protocol!
Having a clear protocol for when you experience ableist comments is so important because it:
Creates safety and predictability. Instead of having to wonder how to tend to yourself after hearing an ableist comment you know exactly what to do.
It gives you a clear script so you know what to say in response to an ableist comment.
It supports you in creating boundaries and honoring your own capacity and spoons.
The Holy Ableism Protocol.
Image description: Over a pink background you can read a title that says “4 Steps to Responding to Ableist Comments: The Holy Ableism Protocol.” There are four images of white clouds and each cloud has a text inside. The text reads: 1.) “Pause and take a moment to name ‘this is an ableist comment’ or say to yourself "‘Holy Ableism!’ “, 2.) “Unpack the comment. Why is it harmful? What might be the Autistic Affirming Truth?”, 3?) “Decide if you have the interest, capacity of if it’s safe to have a conversation with the person.” 4.) “Spent time tending to your autistic self and resourcing.”
The Holy Ableism Method is a combination of unpacking ableist comments and rewriting ableist beliefs, honoring your boundaries and capacity levels and autistic resourcing.
1.) Pause and identify the ableist comment.
The very first step when you hear an ableist comment is to pause and name for yourself that this is an ableist comment or belief. You might say to yourself “this is an ableist comment” or as I like to say “Wow, holy ableism moment.” As you pause you might take a moment to just notice what’s here to notice. That might include:
Noticing what sensations you’re noticing at the body level.
Paying attention to any emotions that are coming up.
Identifying any body impulses you have.
It can be really supportive to be so compassionate and validating towards what you’re experiencing. For example if you’re noticing anger you might tell yourself “it makes so much sense that I’m experiencing anger right now.” Can you be so compassionate and loving towards yourself with whatever shows up?
2.) Unpack the ableist comment and identify The Autistic Affirming Truth.
Now you want to unpack the ableist comment. You can do that by identifying:
What is at the root of the comment? For example: if someone said “don’t worry, no one can tell that you’re autistic” the root of that comment is that there is a specific “look” that autistic people have and that there’s something wrong or undesirable about looking autistic.
Then you want to identify what I call The Autistic Affirming Truth about the ableist comment you just heard. So for the example of “don’t worry, you don’t look autistic” the Autistic Affirming Truth might be: “there isn’t one way to look autistic and there’s nothing wrong with looking or being autistic.”
It might be helpful to notice any body sensations, cues or emotions that come up as you identify The Autistic Affirming Truth.
Image description: There is a graphic with three colored circles. One circle has the title “Ableist messages” and the text reads “ ‘Don’t worry, no one can tell that you’re autistic.’ This implies that there’s a specific type of way to look autistic and that there’s something wrong with being autistic.” There is a small circle with the word “vs” inside the circle and then a circle with a title that reads “Autistic Affirming Truth” and the text inside the circle reads “the truth is that there isn’t one way to look autistic and that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being autistic.” There is a website link at the bottom of the graphic.
3.) Check in on your capacity and interest level and decide how you want to respond.
It’s important to know that it is not your responsibility to educate the person who just made the ableist comment. I suggest checking in and asking yourself:
Do I have the capacity to have a conversation with the person about this comment?
Do I feel safe and resourced enough to have this conversation?
How important is this person to me?
So if you don’t have the capacity to have the conversation and/or the person isn’t a connection you’re invested in-you might decide that it’s not worth your spoons to talk about the ableist comment.
However if this person is important to you and you have the capacity and feel safe you can then follow a specific script to address the ableist comment.
4.) Sample scripts to address an ableist comment.
It might be supportive to create your own scripts but here are a few options that might feel supportive to use:
“Hey, I noticed yesterday that you said __________ (insert comment.) While it might be from a lack of education on autism, I wanted to share with you that that comment is actually ableist. I’d like to ask you to not say that word again. If you’re interested in learning more I’m happy to share a few resources with you.”
“I wanted to share with you that terms like _____________(insert ableist language) are out dated and considered problematic. Are you open to reading a few short social media posts that explains a bit more?”
“Hey, yesterday you said ________ (insert ableist comment) and as an autistic person I noticed that I felt ________ (insert emotion.) Our friendship/relationship/connection is so important to me, would you be open to having a conversation about it?”
5.) Spent time tending to your autistic self.
Hearing ableist comments can feel exhausting and also bring up a lot of emotions. This is why it’s so important to spend time resourcing in your autistic joy and health. Some ways you might tend to your autistic self are:
Chatting with an autistic friend.
Engaging with the autistic or neurodivergent community.
Spending time with a special interest.
Writing down things you love about your autistic self.
Reading an autistic book or watching a show with an autistic affirming character.
Image description: There is a purple background with text in dark blue. The title reads “6 Affirmations for Late Identified Autistics.” There are graphics of a pink, purple and blue rainbow with a heart in the middle. The text reads: “my needs matter”, “I am worthy”, “I am lovable just as I am”.”my stims are beautiful”, “my autistic joy is so important”, “my autistic well being matters so much.” At the bottom of the page is the website link www.tiffany-landry.com
The Holy Ableism Protocol taught me a lot about autistic self care.
When I started using the Holy Ableism Protocol it was so supportive in helping me hold myself with so much compassion and care, while also navigating conversations on ableism .
I’ve noticed that in the 2+ years since getting my official diagnosis that my approach to handling ableist comments has continued to evolve. I’m not as tender as I was when I was newly diagnosed which makes so much sense. I’m also fiercely protective of my energy and I have a better understanding of my autistic needs and capacity. I can see all the ways in which having a clear protocol, shifting ableist messages into Autistic Affirming Truths and having a post care routines have all been so supportive. I hope The Holy Ableism Protocol is also deeply supportive for you too.
Thank you for reading!
I hope this blog post was supportive in your own experiences of handling ableist comments. If you’d like to share a bit about your own experience with ableist comments-please feel free to share in the comments.
The information contained in this blog post is for general educational and informational purposes only and should not be construed as medical or mental health advice. The information provided is not a substitute for advice from a qualified professional who is aware of the facts and circumstances of your individual situation. We expressly recommend that you seek advice from a professional familiar with your specific situation.
Your autistic healing matters.
I hope this blog post was helpful in your own autistic healing journey. I truly believe that us late diagnosed autistics deserve autistic affirming healing and I hope you have the best practitioners, tools and support for your own healing.
If you’re seeking autistic support and healing, I’d love to support you in my 5 month program The Autistic Mentorship. It includes:
An intensive intake session & healing document to identify your goals and developmental objectives that we’ll work on in our program together.
Three (75 minute) sessions a month.
Lots of support & education: think recap emails + personalized practices sent to your inbox, neurodivergent workbooks and resources and a bonus check in call to use when needed.
You can find out more about The Autistic Mentorship here.
Tiffany Landry is a queer autistic coach and trauma resolution practitioner. She works with queer and autistic clients in her program The Autistic Mentorship. Tiffany also writes a newsletter on Substack called The Queer Autistic Newsletter.