5 Tips For Late Diagnosed Autistic Support and Care.
Image description: Over a pink background there is an image of the words “self care” with a heart. There is a blue border around the graphic. Over a white background there is written in black text “5 tips for late diagnosed autistic support and care” with the subtitle “read to learn five ways you can support your late diagnosed Autistic self.”
Something I love is when an autistic friend of mine is sharing something and I laugh in autism because it’s such an autistic response and something I 100% do too. But I also think hearing someone reflect back to us “Oh my god, of course you reacted that way-that makes so much sense” or “I do that too!” can feel so validating for us late diagnosed Autistics and AuDHDers. It’s so common for many of us to have grown up receiving invalidating messages around our experiences, neurodivergent traits and needs. I see again and again in my work how sometimes the miracle of a later in life diagnosis is reframing the story of “there’s something wrong with me” to “there’s an autistic reason for what I’m experiencing.” As a late diagnosed autistic adult and autistic coach I see how life changing it can be to get to know ourselves with an autistic affirming lens. In this blog post I’m going to share 5 ways we can show up for our late identified autistic selves with a lot of care, validation and support.
1.) Be gentle with yourself post-diagnosis.
Whether you realized that you’re Autistic through self diagnosis or identification or received an official medical diagnosis you might be experiencing a variety of emotions. I know for me personally getting an official medical diagnosis felt incredibly tender, overwhelming and brought up a lot of grief and sadness. You might experience:
Feeling either all, some of or a combination of excitement, relief, sadness and grief.
Internalized ableism mixed with grief. If you previously thought something was “wrong” with you or that your neurodivergent traits were just trauma it might feel hard to realize that the things you struggle with can’t be “healed.”
Anger that it took this long to realize such important information about yourself.
A sense of “Okay, I’m Autistic. What do I do now?” or "I don’t know anything about being an Autistic adult-how do I learn what I need to know?”
So how can you be gentle with yourself post diagnosis? I highly suggest working with an autistic affirming coach or therapist. You want someone who is either Autistic themselves or has enough neurodivergent knowledge that you feel held in your sessions. While Autism is a spectrum and everyone is different you absolutely should not need to educate your coach or therapist on Autism 101. Some other ideas to support yourself post diagnosis are:
Support yourself by engaging with Autistic community and Autistic created resources. Perhaps that’s through social media, an Autistic support group or by reading Autistic memoirs.
There’s a bigness to realizing that you’re Autistic later in life. It might be supportive to gift yourself with extra self care such as rest, things that feeling soothing, personalized support and things that give you Autistic joy.
Give yourself permission to go at your own pace. That could look like mapping your nervous system, giving yourself permission to try new things in small doable steps. If you honored your pace, what would that look like?
Friendly reminder that you and only you get to decide if, when and how you share that you’re Autistic with others. You might decide to share your diagnosis with some trusted friends, explore different levels of disclosure (such as none, partial or full) or decide you want to share it with your social media followers.
2.) Validate your experiences & needs.
It’s very common for late identified Autistics and AuDHDers to have experienced Traumatic Invalidation. Traumatic invalidation is when a person’s experiences, behaviors and emotions are dismissed and negated by others. In a neurodivergent context this can lead to neurodivergent individuals doubting their experiences, as well as a lack of self trust and self worth. If you experienced Traumatic Invalidation it might feel challenging for you to:
Advocate for your sensory needs.
Honor your sensory experiences and prioritize your sensory safety.
Trust your intuition. You might stay in unsafe environments and relationships because it’s hard to trust your own instincts and intuition.
Identify and share your Autistic needs and boundaries.
Experiencing unsafe sexual experiences and relationships. Unfortunately Traumatic Invalidation can lead us to not trust ourselves and to ignore our instincts, this puts us at a higher risk for victimization.
The antidote to Traumatic Invalidation is internal and external validation.
Image description: Over a green background there is a pink square with black writing that reads “Quick tip” and then there is a white square with black text that reads “the antidote to Traumatic Invalidation is internal and external validation. We want to slow and with small doable steps explore ways we can both validate ourselves as well as receive positive validation from others.” There is a purple square with the website www.tiffany-landry.com
We want to slowly and with small doable steps explore ways we can both validate ourselves as well as receive positive validation from others. Just like a small child learning how to walk, we start with small steps. That could look like something as simple as naming what your sensory experience is and validating that. For example: “Right now I’m sensory overloaded and that actually makes a lot of sense.” Other ways you might experience internal and external validation are:
Work with a neurodivergent affirming therapist or coach and have them validate your experiences. You might even get curious about what you notice at the body or emotional level when you hear that validation. How does it feel?
When you notice yourself invalidating your own experiences you might gently pause and with so much compassion tell yourself “Ufff, there’s some serious invalidation. But that’s not actually true, what IS true is this______.”
Feel validated through the Autistic community and friendships. Sometimes we can receive validation through observing how others have similar experiences as our own. So perhaps that’s watching a TikTok and feeling validated as another late diagnosed Autistic talks about how supermarkets are sensory hell. Or making Autistic and AuDHD friendships and hearing them tell you “hey, how you communicated in that situation makes so much sense!”
For more information on rebuilding self trust check out this blog post.
3.) Bring an Autistic Lens to your life and experiences.
Due to growing up in a neuronormative society you might experience shame or internalized ableism around some of your Autistic or AuDHD traits and experiences. Which is why it can be so supportive to bring an Autistic Lens to your life. That could look like reframing your traits from an Autistic Affirming lens. That could look like validating your experiences but that could also look like:
Reframing “I’m bad at communication” to “It’s true that I communicate differently than Allistics but my way of communicating actually makes so much sense!”
Looking at past experiences with an Autistic Lens. So if a past partner would get annoyed at you for not wanting to leave the house on the weekend you might reframe that as “Wow, looking back I can see that I was so sensory overloaded from the work week that I just needed to collapse on the weekend.”
Rewriting ableist beliefs to Autistic affirming ones. It can be so supportive to unpack internalized ableism and to rewrite ableist beliefs. So if an Internalized Ableist belief is “no one will want to date me if they know I’m Autistic” you might unpack that and then rewrite it as “Being Autistic doesn’t mean I’m less worthy or less lovable than someone who isn’t Autistic. I know that I have so much to offer a partner.”
Look at your life with an Autistic Lens and explore ways you can make your life 2% more Autistic accessible and affirming. That could look like practical ideas (such as using sensory aids) as well as things like connecting to the Autistic community, advocating for your communication needs or making daily tasks more Autistic supportive.
4.) Tend to your sensory needs.
Image description: At the top of the graphic in green text the title is “3 Ways to Tend to Your Sensory Needs.” There are three white boxes with black text and titles in green. The text reads: “Educate: Learn about Autistic and ADHD sensory issues, identify your sensory profile and learn about the 8 senses”, “Explore: Explore different sensory aids (such as headphones or sunglasses) and accommodations that will support your sensory needs” and “Sensory boundaries: Identify your sensory boundaries and practice sharing your sensory needs and boundaries with others.”
Tending to your sensory needs is about getting to know your sensory profile, identifying your sensory triggers and soothers and learning how to support your sensory needs. You deserve to be sensory safe! Due to growing up undiagnosed many Autistic and AuDHDer adults didn’t get their sensory needs tended to. I think of tending to your sensory needs as a combination of education, exploration and boundaries. You might slowly begin to tend to your sensory needs by:
Educating yourself about sensory experiences of Autistic and ADHDers. This could look like learning about the 8 senses and if you’re sensory avoidant or sensory seeking in a specific sense. You can learn more about sensory safety here.
Explore different types of sensory accommodations and support. Perhaps you try on noise cancelling headphones, sunglasses or sensory safe clothing. A key word is exploring. You’re getting to know what feels supportive and can support you in making life more sensory safe.
Sensory boundaries are so important-especially if you’ve gone the majority of your life not getting your sensory needs met. Sensory boundaries might look like identifying activities you won’t do because they’re disabling or identifying accommodations you need in specific environments. It could also be like sharing sensory requests or boundaries with others. It could be as simple as “I’m sensitive to sounds, would you mind turning down the music?” or “I’m Autistic so a date at a noise cafe wouldn’t be accessible for me. Could we do a picnic date and walk in the park instead?”
5.) “I have an Autistic Protocol for that!”
Image description: Over a pink background we see a white text bubble with text written in read. The title reads “I have an Autistic protocol for that!” and the subtitle reads “As an Autistic person I love to create systems that will support my Autistic well being and create more Autistic safety in my life.”
As an Autistic person I love to create systems that will support my Autistic well being and create more Autistic safety in my life. As a routine loving Autistic it soothes me to know that I have specific protocols or plans for things like sensory emergencies, meltdowns, shutdowns and even something as simple as going to the dentist! The reality is that this neuronormative world can be noisy, overwhelming and confusing. Which is why creating systems, protocols and recovery plans can be so supportive. It might be deeply supportive to:
Create a morning and evening routine. A routine doesn’t have to be long it could consist of 1-3 things but it’s a way to ground you both before you start your day and as you transition to sleep. AuDHD Pro Tip: Does your Autistic side love routines but your ADHD side gets bored? Make a list of 4 options and choose 1-2 options a day.
Create a Shutdown and Meltdown Protocol. The reality is that Autistic meltdowns and shutdowns happen and it’s really important to know how we can support ourselves before, during and after a meltdown or shutdown. You can download a free fillable workbook on creating a shutdown and meltdown protocol here.
Create a Sensory Recovery Plan. It’s so important to create a Sensory Recovery Plan so when you get into sensory overload you know exactly what to do. You might include things like: wearing noise cancelling headphones, limited sensory demands, resting, using Autistic Communication Cards.
You might want to also create routines or recovery plans also for things like: Autistic Burnout, recovering from events that are sensory and socially overwhelming, transitioning from work to home.
Getting to know your Autistic self takes time.
It’s been almost three years since I received my Autism diagnosis and I’m still learning about and getting to know my autistic self and needs. When we realize that we’re Autistic or AuDHDers later in life it truly does take time to come home to our Autistic self, needs and desires. To do that I believe we need a combination of education, community and support. I like to remind my clients that learning that you’re Autistic later in life is a big thing and that they deserve support. If you’re reading this, please know that you deserve support too.
With a later in life diagnosis we want to show up with so much compassion, kindness and gentleness. With big later in life realizations we might feel pressured to accelerate our healing or unmasking process. While this makes so much sense when we consider that we might have spent our whole lives feeling like something was wrong with us or life has just felt really hard. But a part of acknowledging the bigness of a later in life diagnosis is also paying attention to our capacity and honoring our neurodivergent nervous systems. Showing up with compassion, kindness and gentleness is ultimately about prioritizing trauma informed healing. That might look like getting neurodivergent affirming support, taking things one doable step at a time or simply showing up for your late diagnosed Autistic self with so much compassion, kindness and care. Something I sometimes like to ask myself is “what would be the most loving thing for my Autistic self” or “what would be the kindest thing for my Autistic self right now? I find that these questions can quickly guide me to the most supportive thing for my Autistic self in a given moment.
I hope this blog was supportive and helpful to your own journey as a late diagnosed Autistic or AuDHDer. Please feel free to share any comments about your own experience as a late identified Autistic or AuDHDer.
Resources consulted + further reading:
Sensory Awareness and Self-Advocacy presented by Dr. Megan Neff of Neurodivergent Insights.
Trauma and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder by the Boston Child Study Center.
Here’s How to Advocate for Your Autistic Communication Needs
Thank you for reading!
I hope you enjoyed this blog post! Please feel free to share in the comments your experience of tending to your Autistic self care post later in life identification. Want more support? I’d love to support you in my program The Autistic Mentorship.
The information contained in this blog post is for general educational and informational purposes only and should not be construed as medical or mental health advice. The information provided is not a substitute for advice from a qualified professional who is aware of the facts and circumstances of your individual situation. We expressly recommend that you seek advice from a professional familiar with your specific situation.
Tiffany Landry is a queer autistic coach and trauma resolution practitioner. She works with queer and autistic clients in her program The Autistic Mentorship and The Intro Coaching Package. Tiffany also writes a newsletter on Substack called The Queer Autistic Newsletter.