5 Autistic Dating Tips For Late Identified Autistics.
Photo by Sinitta Leunen on Unsplash
When I realized I was autistic in my mid-30’s I remember wishing that I had specific guidebook for all things autistic-including dating! I remembered wondering: “how do I share that I’m autistic on a dating app?”, “what do I do if someone says something ableist to me on a date?” and “how the hell do I begin to unmask in new relationships?” After 2+ years since receiving my autism diagnosis and my work as an autistic life coach & queer autistic trauma coach, I’m excited to share my tips and tools for dating when you’re a late diagnosed autistic adult!
1.) You are so worthy as an autistic person.
I find that so many late identified autistics can be carrying around a lot of internalized ableism-which 100% impacts how we approach relationships. It can be really supportive to unpack your internalized ableism with an autistic affirming coach or therapist. It might also be supportive to make a list of your internalized ableist beliefs and rewrite these beliefs into what I call an autistic affirming truth. For example:
Internalized Ableist Belief: “No one will want to date me if they know I’m autistic.”
Autistic Affirming Truth: “There’s nothing wrong with being autistic and I know there are plenty of people who will love me for my authentic autistic self.”
Internalized Ableist Belief: “I’ll look unattractive if I were sensory aids on a date.”
Autistic Affirming Truth: “My sensory needs and well being get to come first! I know that advocating for my sensory needs is actually sexy and I look pretty darn cute in my headphones.”
Unpacking your internalized ableism and identifying your innate worthiness as an autistic person is so important. You could remind yourself that you are so worthy and that you have so much to offer a partner.
2.) You get to explore how to share that you’re autistic.
You (and only you) get to decide when you share that you’re autistic. You might want to put it right in your dating app profile or perhaps you want to casually drop it into conversation aka “ohh yeah, I really struggle with understanding sarcasm because I’m autistic.” Maybe you want to show up to your first date wearing a shirt that says “I’m way too autistic for this sh*t”! You get to decide!
A few important things to keep in mind:
You get to honor you own pacing and way of sharing that you’re autistic. You never have to share before you’re ready.
A person’s reaction to you sharing that you’re autistic has everything to do with them and them growing up in an ableist society-and absolutely nothing to do with you.
3.) Ableism can show up in dating, here’s what to do.
What happens in someone you’re dating (or thinking of potentially dating) says or does something ableist. I’m not going to lie, I initially found this so incredibly upsetting when it would happen to me. Which is why I developed a little “Holy Ableism Protocol.” If someone says or does something ableist you might:
Take a pause and name (in your head or out loud) “this is an ableist comment.” I personally like to name for myself “Whoah, holy ableism!” We want to start off just by identifying what is happening.
Reframe what is happening: this isn’t about you but about the person and their potential lack of education and/or internalized ableism. Unless you know that the person was trying to be a mean ableist person, you might choose to assume that this comes from a lack of education.
Ask yourself how important this person is to you. Do you want to spend the spoons sharing why what they said was harmful? You get to decide if you’re interested in sharing or if you’d like to disengage.
If they are important to you, you might say something like “hey, I just wanted to let you know that what you shared was actually ableist. I think you might have shared that from a place of a lack of education-would you like me to share a few resources for you to look at?” If they say yes you can share some short resources their way-that way you’re not in charge of educating them.
4.) Advocate for your autistic needs.
Identifying and advocating for your autistic needs in dating is SO important. You deserve for dating and sex to be accessible for you. You’re going to want to identify your autistic needs and then share then with the person/people that you’re dating. A few examples of ways you might do that are:
Share your sensory needs before a date. So if your date suggests a noisy coffee bar as a date, you might say “I actually find loud sounds really sensory painful, can we do something that’s more sensory accessible for me?”
Advocate for your communication needs. “Would you mind sharing when you’re being sarcastic? I’m autistic and I struggle with knowing when someone is being sarcastic.”
Talk about your autistic needs during sex and intimacy. What types of touches feel best to you? What are your sexual yes’s and no’s? What are some sensory accommodations you need during sex?
The best thing about advocating for your autistic needs is that you give permission for others to share their own needs! Perhaps your partner is neurodivergent and you sharing your sensory needs gives them permission to share their sensory needs too. Or maybe they want to share non-neurodivergent needs that create more safety and ease while dating.
5.) Explore Autistic Dating!
It might feel so good to explore dating other autistics (or neurodivergent folks!) How to find lovely autistic people to date you ask? Here are a few ways:
The Hiki app is a dating and friendship app for autistic adults. I personally love it so much! The profile is super autistic (prompts for sharing about your special interests and favorite stims for example) and you get to choose if you’re seeking a friendship or potential romantic connection when you swipe.
Explore online communities. T here are autistic specific dating Facebook groups and some autistics have found their partners through special interest specific groups or just by posting on social media.
You could also explore in person meet-ups or join a social online group specifically for autistics.
I hope these 5 tips on autistic dating was supportive! I truly believe that making dating autistic accessible is so important-and it can lead to beautiful & fun dating experiences!
Thank you for reading!
I hope this blog post was supportive! If you’d like to share a bit about your own experience with autistic burnout-please feel free to share in the comments.
The information contained in this blog post is for general educational and informational purposes only and should not be construed as medical or mental health advice. The information provided is not a substitute for advice from a qualified professional who is aware of the facts and circumstances of your individual situation. We expressly recommend that you seek advice from a professional familiar with your specific situation.
Your autistic healing matters.
I hope this blog post was helpful in your own autistic healing journey. I truly believe that us late diagnosed autistics deserve autistic affirming healing and I hope you have the best practitioners, tools and support for your own healing.
If you’re seeking autistic support and healing, I’d love to support you in my 5 month program The Autistic Mentorship. It includes:
An intensive intake session & healing document to identify your goals and developmental objectives that we’ll work on in our program together.
Three (75 minute) sessions a month.
Lots of support & education: think recap emails + personalized practices sent to your inbox, neurodivergent workbooks and resources and a bonus check in call to use when needed.
You can find out more about The Autistic Mentorship here.
Tiffany Landry is an autistic life coach and trauma resolution practitioner for queer & autistic clients. As a late diagnosed autistic she loves supporting autistic clients to create autistic lives that are accessible, autistic affirming and just feel good. Sign up for The Queer Autistic Newsletter here.