Photo description: a couple embraces in bed, both of them have their eyes closed.

I remember the first time I learned about The 5 Love Languages. I was in a relationship with a man at the time and I made him take the handy 5 Love Language online quiz. We learned that we had different love languages-BUT what we didn’t know at the time was that I was a closeted lesbian and undiagnosed autistic. Whoops! It would take a pandemic for me to come out as both a lesbian and to realize that I was neurodivergent (aka autistic with ADHD.)

But what I love about love languages is that they give us insight into how we receive and recognize love and also how we can show love to our partners. While I think the original love languages can be a supportive way of communicating our love languages, I’m not super happy about the fact that the creator is really homophobic. Here are the original 5 Love Languages:

Words of Affirmation
Acts of Service
Receiving Gifts
Quality Time
Physical Touch

While I love the original love languages, I also think that autistic love languages are super important for us autistics to share with our partner(s)-especially if our partners are allistic! Autistic love languages are a way partners can make us feel seen, heard and safe. I also believe that autistic love languages are an important part of creating a space where we feel safe enough to unmask.

Image description: Over a pink background there is a pink wheel with images corresponding to the different 5 neurodivergent love languages: parallel play, spoon sharing/support swapping, penguin pebbling, deep pressure and info dumping. The title is written in pink text and says “5 Neurodivergent Love Languages.”

Often when we think about autistic love languages we think about things like:

Info dumping: this is when a neurodivergent person shares all about a specific topic that they’re passionate about aka a special interest.
Parallel play: Sharing space while each person does their own thing. For example: you might read a book while your partner plays a game. You don’t have to interact but there’s the comforting presence of your loved one.
Spoon sharing/support swapping: This is when neurodivergent people support each other. Maybe that’s reminding your ADHDer friend to drink water or your friend making a phone call for you. It’s all about support & accommodating each other’s neurodivergent needs.
Penguin Pebbling: Collecting small things to gift a person you care about. It’s a way of saying “I found this rock/pebble/book/meme and thought you might like it.”
Deep Pressure or “Please Crush My Soul Back Into My Body”: Deep pressure can be so supportive and help regulate us neurodivergent folks. That could look like asking a loved one to lay on top of you or getting a firm hug.

But I think autistic love languages can also include things like:

Asking questions about your special interests or doing something related to your special interest.
Handing you your headphones when there’s a loud noise
Going over a plan of how they can support you post-meltdown or shutdown
Buying you a stim toy or something related to your special interest.
Making meals or being extra supportive with you when you’re in autistic burnout.
Putting an * next to sarcasm or jokes so you know when they’re using sarcasm or jokes.
Asking if there’s a specific book they can read on autism.
Offering to help with things that might be challenging for you, such as making telephone calls or going to the supermarket
Creating sensory friendly home environments or (if you’re in the dating stage) sensory friendly dates.
Telling you how much they love your stims.

PRACTICE: Make a list of your autistic love languages-or things that would make you feel really loved, safe and seen if your partner would do them.

If you have a partner or are dating someone you might consider sharing your autistic love languages with them. You might say something like: “Hey, have you ever heard of the 5 Love Languages? Well, I’d love to share some of my autistic love languages with you, are you open to that?” After you share your love languages with them you can invite them to share their love languages with you.

Feel free to share your autistic love languages below!

Resources consulted & further reading:

The Five Neurodivergent Love Locutions: I consulted this resource for this article and I highly recommend giving it a read!

Thank you for reading!

I hope this blog post was supportive. If you’d like to share a bit about your experience with the nuerodivergent love languages-please feel free to share in the comments.

The information contained in this blog post is for general educational and informational purposes only and should not be construed as medical or mental health advice. The information provided is not a substitute for advice from a qualified professional who is aware of the facts and circumstances of your individual situation. We expressly recommend that you seek advice from a professional familiar with your specific situation.

Your autistic healing matters.

I hope this blog post was helpful in your own autistic healing journey. I truly believe that us late diagnosed autistics deserve autistic affirming healing and I hope you have the best practitioners, tools and support for your own healing.

If you’re seeking autistic support and healing, I’d love to support you in my 5 month program The Autistic Mentorship. It includes:

An intensive intake session & healing map to identify your goals and developmental objectives that we’ll work on in our program together.
Three (75 minute) sessions a month.
Lots of support & education: think recap emails + personalized practices sent to your inbox, neurodivergent workbooks and resources and two optional 30 minute check-in calls.

You can find out more about The Autistic Mentorship here.

Tiffany Landry is an autistic coach and trauma resolution practitioner. She works with clients in her program The Autistic Mentorship . Tiffany also writes a free newsletter on Substack called The Queer Autistic Newsletter.