Unmasking Autism and Healing Shame
Image description: a black and white image of a woman with her head bowed. Photo by Volkan Olmez on Unsplash
By the time most late diagnosed autistics realize that they are actually autistic, they have often experienced consistent invalidating messages, shame and messages from an ableist society. For many of us late identified autistics we’ve been going about our lives thinking that something was wrong with us. While it can be a relief to realize that nothing is wrong with us and that we’re just autistic, part of unmasking and feeling confident in our authentic autistic selves involves unpacking the shame we’ve experienced.
What is shame?
Shame is the experience of being made to feel as if you are fundamentally bad or wrong for who you are, what you do or how you behave. From a nervous system point of view it can impact our social nervous system and have an immobilizing impact on us and result in us being afraid to share our authentic autistic self. It’s important to note that we can experience shame on a personal or collective level-so through the words of an individual, group or culture.
If you’re autistic you might have experienced shame if:
you were laughed at or mocked when you stimmed, talked about your special interest or didn’t get jokes.
you received the message that you had to mask your autistic traits.
you received messages that you were too sensitive, too much, too loud.
you were invalidated around your autistic needs. For example, perhaps you were invalidated around your sensory needs and told “you’re fine, you’ll get used to it” or “you can’t possibly hear that!”
got called or heard ableist insults or language
What is internalized ableism?
Internalized ableism & shame often go hand in hand. According to Stop Ableism, ableism is: “The practices and dominant attitudes in society that devalue and limit the potential of persons with disabilities. A set of practices and beliefs that assign inferior value (worth) to people who have developmental, emotional, physical or psychiatric disabilities.” Many disabled people (including us autistics!) grow up receiving ableist messages that we then internalize. Internalized ableism can cause us to:
feel unworthy and like we don’t belong.
have difficulty sharing our autistic needs and boundaries.
experience depression, anxiety and other mental health issues.
feel undeserving of care, love and support.
How can we heal from shame and internalized ableism?
Shame resolution is an important part of the work I do with my clients-and if possible I highly suggest you do shame resolution with an autistic affirming coach or therapist. Here are some simple steps we can do to heal from shame and internalized ableism.
1.) Name the shame or internalized ableism. This can be as simple as pausing and saying “I am experiencing shame.” When I’m experiencing internalized ableism I like to say “Holy Ableism!” as a fun way to note that I’m experiencing internalized ableism.
2.) Name the source of the shame or internalized ableism. Where is it coming from? Often shame can be transferred to us by another person’s own internalized shame or beliefs. You could name a person, group, culture or society.
3.) Identify that the shame or internalized ableism belongs to the person, group of system that transferred it to you. This means that the shame or internalized ableism doesn’t belong to you and you don’t have to carry it. For example, imagine that you’ve been carrying around this shame of being too sensitive. You might identify that shame or internalized ableist messages comes from a family member and that you don’t have to carry that shame around anymore. It’s not yours. You can set it down or send it back (or if you like send it to the the cosmos!)
4.) Reaffirm your identify in the company of those who love and celebrate you. So if you were shamed for being sensitive, you might ask loved ones to champion your sensitivity. If you internalized the message that your stims made your “look weird” perhaps finding a friend who loves your beautiful stims and having them celebrate you.
Remember that healing shame and our internalized ableism takes time.
The best thing we can do when we’re healing our shame and internalized ableism is to be gentle and kind with ourselves. Healing shame and internalized ableism is part of our unmasking journey and we want to work with our autistic nervous system. Small doable steps are the name of the game. Slowness, calling in layers of support and bringing in loving compassion can be so supportive.
If you’d like 1:1 support in healing shame and coming home to your autistic wellness and joy-I’d love to support you The Autistic Mentorship. The Autistic Mentorship is my 6 month private coaching program for autistics who are desiring gentle support, autistic centered trauma resolution and practical tools & practices.
The information contained in this blog post is for general educational and informational purposes only and should not be construed as medical or mental health advice. The information provided is not a substitute for advice from a qualified professional who is aware of the facts and circumstances of your individual situation. We expressly recommend that you seek advice from a professional familiar with your specific situation.