What To Do When You Have That “I Think I Might Be Gay” Moment.
Image description: Over a pink background there is an image of a search engine box with the words “Am I gay?” written inside with an arrow clicking on the box. At the bottom of the image there is the website www.tiffany-landry.com
The other day I was scrolling on my phone on a random website when I got a very targeted ad that said “Are you gay? Take the online quiz today!” Now it’s been 3+ years since I’ve come out as a lesbian and I burst out laughing when I saw the oh so targeted ad. “Yes, darling internet. I am very much gay. No need to take the quiz.” The thing is that so many of us who come out later in life have have googled “Am I gay?” or even told ourselves “I can’t possibly be a lesbian right?” Realizing that you’re queer later in life can feel exciting, overwhelming and raise the question of “okay, but what do I do now?” Here are my top tips for coming out (and coming home to your queerness) later in life.
1.) Validate that it makes so much sense that you’re just discovering this now.
It is so common to feel frustration at the fact that it took your 20, 30, 40 or more years to realize that you’re queer. It can be supportive to validate that there are so many reasons why it took you this long to realize that you’re LGBTQIA+. A few reasons might be:
Compulsory heterosexuality! I like to refer to this as drinking Comp Het Kool Aid without even knowing it. Compulsory heterosexuality can be a huge reason why so many of us don’t realize that we’re queer until later in life.
A lack of queer sex education! Unless you are very luck (if so, congratulations!) you likely didn’t receive the queer sex education that you deserved. You might not have even known what gay sex looked like!
Homophobia and transphobia. Unfortunately, we grow up in a society that is homophobia and transphobic. That could have looked like being shamed for your amazing queer self or simply just not feeling safe.
Trauma. Unresolved trauma can impact how safe we feel exploring our sexuality and gender. That could look like being in a freeze response around our sexuality, fawning or people pleasing combined with compulsory heterosexuality or being gaslit around your sexuality or gender.
2.) Make space for all of your feelings.
It makes so much sense to feel both excitement and joy, as well as anger, sadness and grief. It can be so loving and healing to give all of your emotions so much space and care. A few ways you might do that are:
Validating that how you’re feeling makes so much sense.
Make an emotions playlist and dance out each emotion.
Give yourself permission to cry, yell, grieve.
Get support from a trained practitioner who is queer affirming and ideally has experience with clients who come out later in life.
3.) Resource your queerness.
Often when we come out later in life we can realize that we had a lot of very queer specific needs that didn’t get met in our childhood, teenager years and adulthood. It can be so healing and supportive to meet those needs now as an adult. A huge need that I think a lot of us late blooming queers didn't get met was: the need for queer representation. You might explore ways you can get that queer representation now and resource yourself in your queerness. You might:
Connect to the queer community through social media.
Read queer books. Your inner queer kid might love for you to read queer YA books!
Watch queer movies and TV.
Make queer friends!
Explore sex positive queer sex education through online posts, courses and book clubs.
Image description: Over a pink background there is a title at the top of the graphic that reads “5 Things To Do When You Come Out Later in Life.” There are 5 different white boxes, each one has a number on it and black writing in the box. The text reads: 1.) Validate that it makes so much sense that you’re realizing this now. 2.) Make space for all of your feelings. 3.) Resource your queerness. 4.) Honor your own timing on coming out/coming in. 5.) Celebrate your queerness.
4.) Honor your own timing on coming out.
When we realize that we’re queer later in life we might wonder: “When do I come out? How do I come out? Do I have to come out to everyone?” Here’s an important thing to remember: you and only you get to decide why, how and if you come out to others. It’s so important to honor your timing, to check in on your emotional, physical and financial safety before coming out and to feel resourced enough to come out. Your queerness is not dependent on how “out” you are to people. Sweet queer reminder: you are always queer enough.
A few tips on coming out:
Before coming out it might be supportive to really resource in your queerness and to have the sweetest queer support.
You get to share your amazing news however you want. You could send a text or email, write a post on social media or sit down in person with someone.
You can place boundaries on responses and reactions. When I came out publicly on social media I shared the types of responses I was open to and that I wasn’t open to questions at that time. If someone tries to tell you that “you’re just confused” or “you’re not really gay” remember that you and only you know your sexual and gender identity.
Remember that you never have to prove your queerness. So if someone says something like “but how can you know? You’ve never dated a woman” you can know deep in your bones that queerness is not dependent on experience.
5.) Celebrate your queerness!
Celebrating your queerness is so important-whether you realized that you might be queer a few weeks ago or have been out for a few decades. There are so many beautiful ways to celebrate your queerness. You might:
Throw yourself a coming out party!
Get yourself a cake “Congrats on being gay!” Fun fact: after I came out on social media I ran an “I am queer enough” cake contest and mailed the winner a cake!
Write a love letter to yourself and share all the things you love about being queer.
Have a queer living room dance party for yourself and dance to your queer heart’s content!
I hope this post felt supportive! Please feel free to share a comment sharing your experience or with any questions.
Thank you for reading!
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The information contained in this blog post is for general educational and informational purposes only and should not be construed as medical or mental health advice. The information provided is not a substitute for advice from a qualified professional who is aware of the facts and circumstances of your individual situation. We expressly recommend that you seek advice from a professional familiar with your specific situation.
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I hope this blog post was helpful in your own autistic healing journey. I truly believe that us late diagnosed autistics deserve autistic affirming healing and I hope you have the best practitioners, tools and support for your own healing.
If you’re seeking autistic support and healing, I’d love to support you in my 5 month program The Autistic Mentorship. It includes:
An intensive intake session & healing document to identify your goals and developmental objectives that we’ll work on in our program together.
Three (75 minute) sessions a month.
Lots of support & education: think recap emails + personalized practices sent to your inbox, neurodivergent workbooks and resources and a bonus check in call to use when needed.
You can find out more about The Autistic Mentorship here.
Tiffany Landry is a queer autistic coach and trauma resolution practitioner. She works with queer and autistic clients in her program The Autistic Mentorship. Tiffany also writes a newsletter on Substack called The Queer Autistic Newsletter.