What Does Unmasking in Our Sexuality Even Look Like?
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For many of us late identified neurodivergent and later in life LGBTQIA+ folks we can remember the moment when we realized that we had been masking in our sexuality and pleasure. Perhaps we begin to shine a light on how we’ve been masking in our sexuality and pleasure after learning about what autistic masking is. Or maybe getting an autism diagnosis later in life led you to realizing that you are also queer and you began to see the ways in which you were masking in your sexuality. As an autistic coach I’ve seen how many neurodivergent folks are exploring their own unmasking journeys and are excited about unmasking in the areas of their sexuality and pleasure.
The unfortunate reality is that so many of us didn’t get the neurodivergent affirming sex education that we deserved, as well as just a general lack of education around neurodivergence, consent and how to communicate about sex. So if you’ve identified that you’ve been masking your whole life in the areas of sex and pleasure-it actually makes a lot of sense. In this blog post I’m going to share some small doable ways you can begin to unmask in your sexuality and pleasure.
What is masking?
When we talk about masking we’re referring to the conscious or unconscious act of hiding their autistic traits and behaviors to blend in with their neurotypical peers and meet neuronormative standards. According to Dr. Devon Price in his best selling book Unmasking Autism, masking is composed of two behaviors:
Camouflaging: attempting to hide Autistic traits in order to blend in with neurotypicals.
Compensation: using specific strategies to “overcome” challenges that an autistic person might experience living in a neuronormative society.
What is unmasking?
Unmasking is a process of identifying, embracing and expressing one’s authentic autistic identity and traits. Unmasking could involve:
Self discovery and exploring your authentic autistic self.
Identifying your autistic needs and accommodations so life is accessible and affirming for your autistic self.
Self-acceptance of your autistic self and needs.
Identifying your authentic wants, needs, interests and communication styles and more.
It’s important to note that the topic of unmasking is complex and nuanced. There are many autistic people who do not have the privilege of unmasking, due to concerns for their physical and emotional safety and economic stability. There are also those in the Autistic community who are not able to mask. For a nuanced discussion of masking and unmasking, I invite you to check out the resources listed at the bottom of this blog post.
Okay, then what would unmasking in my sexuality and pleasure look like?
Now that we’ve talked about the basic definitions of masking and unmasking, we can focus on what unmasking is in the areas of sexuality, pleasure and intimacy. Unmasking in our sexuality and pleasure might look like:
Advocating for our autistic needs during sex and pleasure.
Communicating about accommodations that will make sex autistic accessible and supportive.
Feeling comfortable expressing your sexual likes and dislikes.
Sharing your sexual boundaries.
Exploring your authentic desires in the areas of sex and pleasure.
Making sex sensory accessible.
While many of the above list are autistic specific, I think a key part of unmasking in our sexuality is that we’re experiencing the sex and pleasure that we want to be having, that we feel safe in the intimacy we’re having and that sex just feels good. How we might go about unmasking in our sexuality will look different for each person but let’s go over some key ways you might begin to unmask in your sexuality.
Note: just like any type of healing, we want to go at our own pace and honor our own unique timeline. It might be helpful to think of unmasking as a journey instead of a race to a specific goal.
Image description: Over a pink background we see a graphic image of a woman holding a pink vibrator in her hand. The title written in orange text reads: “4 Ways to Unmask in Your Sexuality.” There are four white colored boxes with text inside each one. The text reads: “Identify your sexual yes’s and no’s”, “communicate about sex and pleasure”, “share your autistic needs and accommodations”, “tend to your own sexuality and pleasure.” The website written at the bottom of the graphic is: www.tiffany-landry.com
1.) Identify your sexual yum’s and yucks.
Learning about sexual yums and yucks from my teacher Emily Beatrix was life changing for me-and eventually led to me coming out as a lesbian in my mid-30’s! Your sexual yums and yucks are your sexual “yes’s” and “no’s.” Knowing what you like sexually and what you don’t like is a very important part of creating a sex life that feels good. Once you’ve identified your sexual yums and yucks, you can then have an idea of both your sexual desires and sexual boundaries. Here are some ways you might explore your sexual yums and yucks:
Go through a worksheet like this one and explore what feels like a sexual yes, no or maybe. As you go through the list it might feel supportive to notice your body cues as you read through it. Do you feel excited? Repelled? A clear no in your body? Perhaps you’re an “I’m not sure certain but I’m excited to try it and see if I like it.”
Audit your own pleasure bank from past experiences, fantasies you’ve had and erotica/porn you’ve consumed. You might identify some acts as “ a hot fantasy but not one I want to experience in real life” or “Ohhh, this is a sexual yum for me and I want it to be a regular part of my sex life!” What are your clear sexual yes’s and no’s?
Explore sexual somatic consent as you explore your sexual yums and yucks. Sexual somatic consent is listening to and honoring your body’s responses. What do you notice in your body when you experience (or think about) a specific sex act? With any type of sexual and pleasure experiences we want to make sure we honor our and our partner’s consent.
Once you’ve identified you sexual yums and yucks, you can then share them with others.
2.) Get comfortable communicating about sex.
The secret to having the sex you want to be having? To communicate about it! I highly suggest having a conversation about sex before you have sex with a new partner. If you’ve already had sex with your partner(s), it’s still important to have a conversation-you might learn some very important information and create some important shifts in your sex life. Some things you might share are:
Your sexual yes’s and no’s. It’s both important to share what you like during sex and pleasure and your sexual boundaries. Remember that it’s okay if you and your partner have different sexual yums and yucks, just remember to not judge someone’s else’s yum. Respect always!
Share your most recent STI test results and your safer sex needs. Remember that STIs aren’t shameful, so make sure to use language that’s sex positive and doesn’t reinforce stigma. For example, instead of saying “I’m clean”, you can say “My STI test result came back all negative” or “I test positive for this and I test negative for this.” Share with your partner(s) your safer sex needs and ask them about their own.
Now is also a great time to share what type of language you like during sex, any relevant trauma history and any care you need before, during and after sex for sex to feel safe and accessible. This is also where you want to share your specific autistic accommodations and needs which I’ll talk more about below. What language do you like people to use to talk about specific body parts? If you’ve experienced trauma it can be supportive to share with your partner(s) specific things you need for sex to feel safe and be trauma informed.
3.) Communicate about your autistic needs during sex & pleasure.
You deserve for sex and pleasure to be autistic accessible and sensory safe. It’s so important to talk to your partner(s) about the ways in which you can make sex accessible and sensory safe. In order to do that it’s important for you first to identify your autistic accessibility needs during sex and pleasure. However, sometimes if we’ve been masking our whole lives we might not even know what autistic accessible sex could look like. If that’s your case I encourage you to identify your sensory and communication needs during sex. Some ideas you might explore are:
Exploring this list of Sensory Sex Tips for Autistics and see which ones feel like they would be supportive for you. What sensory accommodations would make sex sensory safe and accessible for you?
Making a list of low spoons sex for when you have very little spoons. Maybe on day’s you have low spoons you mutually masturbate, use toys or use sex positions that don’t take a lot of energy.
Make a communication plan for sex! Is it hard for you to verbally communicate during sex? Do you like silence or talking during sex? Explore some ways you can communicate during sex that are accessible and easy for you. You might explore using signals, using safe words, communication cards or it could be a simple red: stop, yellow: pause, green: keep going.
You needs might fluctuate depending on where you’re at in your cycle, autistic burnout, if you’re sensory overstimulated or not-so it can be helpful to do a quick check-in before sex and adjust as needed. The sex you have when you’re sensory overstimulated will be different than the days you feel sensory good and with lots of energy. A quick check-in (for both of you!) can give you and your partner(s) the information you need so sex feels good and accessible.
Communication is how you create a safe and accessible foundation for the sex you want to be having. This doesn’t have to be a one time conversation, you can continue to have conversations as needed.
Image description: A graphic with a graphic of a butterfly and text that reads: “The beautiful thing about unmasking in our sexuality is being able to form a new relationship to our pleasure, bodies and our yes’s and no’s. By advocating for your needs in sex and pleasure you’re reminding yourself that your needs matter and that you deserve for sex and pleasure to be safe, accessible and feel good.” The website www.tiffany-landry.com is written at the bottom of the graphic.
4.) Tend to your own sexuality.
Just like it’s important to make sex with others accessible, affirming and safe, a key part of unmasking in our sexuality is creating a healthy relationship with our own sexuality. Unfortunately, many of us grew up with stories about sexuality and pleasure that were shaming and rooted in cisheteronormative and neuronormative beliefs. But just like we tend to our mental health and our physical health, it’s so important to tend to our sexuality and pleasure. Unmasking in your sexuality and pleasure includes getting to know your body, pleasure and creating a connected relationship to your sexuality. While everyone’s sexual homecoming might look different, here are some things you might do:
Rewrite a new sexual story. If you grew up hearing messages about sexuality that you know aren’t supportive, it might be supportive to create a new sexual story-one that’s sex positive and autistic affirming and accessible! You can grab a free guide to rewriting a new sexual story here.
Tend to your pleasure. Just like we might prioritize moving our bodies or eating food that feels nourishing to us, we can also make pleasure a priority in our lives. Perhaps that’s making time to masturbate, exploring things that feel erotic or pleasurable, getting to know your body and what it likes. Can you make space to tend to your pleasure?
Get to know your sexuality and pleasure. Perhaps that’s taking pleasure breaks, self-pleasuring or maybe investing in a sex education course or book. What does your sexuality need at the time in your life? Does it need space and permission to not be sexual? Does it need you to explore your pleasure in small doable ways? By getting to know your sexuality and pleasure you can begin to create a connected relationship with it.
Tending to our sexuality looks like showing up for our sexuality and pleasure in small doable ways. Sometimes when we’re interested in healing our sexuality or unmasking in our sexuality there can be an impulse to rush or have a specific result. While honoring any intentions or desires you have around your relationship to your sexuality, what would it look like to approach your sexuality with a gentle pacing and listening of what it truly needs at a specific moment in your life?
What’s your deepest desire around your sexuality and pleasure?
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For many of us unmasking in the areas of our sexuality and pleasure involves a combination of making sex safe and accessible to our autistic selves and embodying our authentic pleasure. The best thing we can do in our unmasking journey is to work with our sensitive nervous systems and focus on one small doable step at a time. Perhaps that’s starting by identifying the ways in which you can make sex sensory safe or maybe you’re wanting to explore your own authentic pleasure. Wherever you’re starting at it can be so supportive to honor your unique pacing and to celebrate each small step and new ways of being.
The beautiful thing about unmasking in our sexuality is being able to form a new relationship to our pleasure, bodies and our yes’s and no’s. By advocating for your needs in sex and pleasure you’re reminding yourself that your needs matter and that you deserve for sex and pleasure to be safe, accessible and feel good . As you show up for your sexual self with lots of care, devotion and self-trust, you might notice how those skills transfer to others areas of your life too.
References consulted for this blog post and further reading:
Autism Masking Workbook by Neurodivergent Insights
Unmasking Autism by Dr. Devon Price
Autistic Sex Hacks for Communication, Sensory Discomfort, and Low Spoons Screwin’ by Betty Butch
Thank you for reading!
I hope you enjoyed this blog post! Please feel free to share your experience of unmasking in your sexuality & pleasure in the comments.
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The information contained in this blog post is for general educational and informational purposes only and should not be construed as medical or mental health advice. The information provided is not a substitute for advice from a qualified professional who is aware of the facts and circumstances of your individual situation. We expressly recommend that you seek advice from a professional familiar with your specific situation.
Tiffany Landry is a queer autistic coach and trauma resolution practitioner. She works with queer and autistic clients in her programs Slow and The Autistic Mentorship. Tiffany also writes a newsletter on Substack called The Queer Autistic Newsletter.