My Favorite Tool To Heal Sexual Shame.
I sometimes wonder why I talk about sexual shame as much as I do. It’s a heavy subject, not a particularly fun one-and yet whenever I share small doable practices on healing sexual shame on social media I see my post getting saved and shared, internet strangers sharing their own stories of sexual shame, of messages they got about their queerness, their body and how they realized they had been masking in their sexuality for so long.
We also deserve education and tools so we can tend to our shame and come home to our sexual blueprint of health.
What is sexual shame?
Sexual shame is feeling bad or wrong for sexual experiences we’ve had, sexual choices we’ve made, sexual feelings or desires. Sexual shame can be about specific experiences you’ve had or internalized shame you’ve received from others-including systems such as heteronormativity and patriarchal society.
Where does shame come from?
While sexual shame can happen as a result of many different experiences, it’s important to note that shame can often be transferred to us by others. That could include things like:
Internalizing messages that it’s shameful to be too sexual or that it’s shameful to not be sexual enough.
Being shamed for a positive STI status.
Someone passing their sexual shame onto you. For example: a mom transferring her own sexual shame to her child.
Experiencing a sexual violation and having the perpetrator passing their shame onto you.
Receiving messages from society that your sexual desire and experiences are bad. Example: growing up queer and receiving a lot of homophobia and transphobic messages.
What do I do if I have sexual shame?
Sexual shame is so deeply tender and it can often feel overwhelming. Perhaps before doing anything else you might just pause, maybe place your hand over your heart and tell yourself: “I care about this pain.” It can feel so healing and validating to offer ourselves compassion and to remind ourselves that we matter so much.
You then might want to validate how you’re feeling. That might look like naming the sources of your shame or even naming “what I experienced wasn’t okay.” You might want to remind yourself that what you were shamed for isn’t actually true. So if you were shamed for being too sexual, you might rewrite that comment and share the truth: that your sexuality is so precious and how lovely that you get to share it with others. You could ask your loved ones to reaffirm the thing you were shared for. You might share with a partner or friend: “hey, I’m carrying a lot of shame around being told I’m too sexual. Can you share with me what you love and appreciate about my sexuality and sensuality?”
What if you got to rewrite a new sexual story?
Like many of us, I’ve received a lot of sexual shaming stories. I’ve had a co-worker tell someone who was interested in me that she thought I “looked like I was a freak in bed” and I’ve had both men and women make wild assumptions about me when I shared that I’m a sexuality coach. I’ve experienced shaming for being too sexual and not sexual enough, for my STI status, as well as deep sexual shame that’s impacting my relationship to my sexuality.
I’m sure you’ve experienced some type of sexual shame too. Perhaps on an individual level or perhaps you’ve felt the collective shame that’s present in our society. Or maybe a mixture of both.
My journey with tending to my sexual shame has allowed me to know deep in my bones that I believe in our sexual goodness. In our beautiful pleasure and erotic nature and in our innate sexual blueprint of health. Sometimes our sexual blueprint of health is hidden under the gunk of trauma, purity culture and sexual shame. But if we slowly begin to untangle it, slowly pry off the gunk (ideally with a trained coach or therapist) we can discover our brilliant, wise and rooted sexual blueprint of health.
A favorite practice that I love to do with my clients is to guide them in rewriting a new sexual story. This is a practice I learned from my sexuality teacher Layla Martin-although I have queerified it a LOT 💗 I’m sharing a guided practice that I originally recorded for a course I made on post traumatic growth in queerness. I hope it feels deeply supportive to you.
Was this helpful? If you’re seeking more support I’d love to support you in my 6 month program The Autistic Mentorship. The Autistic Mentorship is a combination of autistic practical support, autistic centered trauma resolution and steady support. Head here for more info.
The information contained in this blog post is for general educational and informational purposes only and should not be construed as medical or mental health advice. The information provided is not a substitute for advice from a qualified professional who is aware of the facts and circumstances of your individual situation. We expressly recommend that you seek advice from a professional familiar with your specific situation.
Tiffany Landry is an autistic life coach and trauma resolution practitioner for queer & autistic clients. As a certified sexuality coach + certified trauma resolution coach she loves supporting autistic clients on coming home to their authentic selves.