I'm Autistic and I Have Meltdowns & That's Okay
I remember my first autistic meltdown after realizing that I might be autistic. I was woken up by my building’s fire alarms, I managed to grab my cats put them into their cat carriers and trudge down the stairs, as I was walking down the stairs I noticed water was leaking from the ceiling. Once outside the building, one neighbor ran to me with her baby, asked me to hold her child while she ran inside to try and get her cat. It turned out that due to a pipe issue the ceiling had burst on the fourth floor. Everything was LOUD, fireman were running around, neighbors were stressed, I was starting to panic that my asthmatic cat would have an attack because her medication dose was late. I was starting to feel the rumblings of a meltdown but so far I was holding it together.
Side note: Looking back I’m certain I was holding it together so well because I was heavily masking.
But then a bus started to back up and make those awful beep beep noises and I started to meltdown. I had a meltdown that included: banging my head against a wall, shaking, hyperventilating and screaming. While you might think “well, yeah but that was an EXTREME circumstances”, I’d like to gentle remind you that I’ve had meltdowns and shutdowns over things like:
The sun (oh hello, sensory overload!)
sounds (my worst nightmare are traffic sounds, buses backing up, loud people and my worst trigger is: motorcycles
Change (aka me walking through a part of town and having there suddenly be construction there. Just an example but there have been many moments of change that have sent me into a meltdown.)
And more!
I’m sharing because I’m an autistic who has meltdowns. I’m also a coach who has literally a huge toolbox full of nervous system tools and I still get meltdowns! When I first started getting meltdowns I remember feeling shame and even embarrassment. Maybe you also have felt shame or embarrassment about experiencing autistic meltdowns or shutdowns?
I now feel neutral about meltdowns. I see them as a part of being autistic, meltdowns happen and that’s okay. Just like I wouldn’t feel shame if I get menstrual cramps or get a cold, I don’t feel shame or bad about having meltdowns. But it was a process to get to this point! If you’re struggling with feeling shame after having meltdowns, read on for three tips.
1.) Validate how you’re feeling.
If you’re feeling shame or embarrassed about having autistic meltdowns-there’s probably a good reason for that! Especially if you’re a late diagnosed autistic, it’s very likely that you might have had your meltdowns labeled in the past as “tantrums”, been gaslit around your autistic traits or gotten the message that there was something wrong with you. So if you’re feeling shame or embarrassed-take a moment and remind yourself that how you’re feeling makes SO much sense.
2.) This shame might not belong to you.
When I’m experiencing shame I like to actually take a pause and name out loud: “I’m experiencing shame.” I then like to get clear on where this shame is coming from. Shame is often transferred to us-whether that’s from a parent, past partner or even from this good ole’ ableist society we live in. So you might name: “this shame is coming from (insert where it’s coming from.” Then you might want to give that shame back, I sometimes like to say “this shame doesn’t belong to me and I’m no longer going to carry it around.” Then reaffirm the reality: you’re autistic and sometimes you have meltdowns and it’s totally okay, it’s so natural and makes so much sense.
3.) Give yourself the autistic love and care that you deserve.
As a kid and adult you deserved all the tending to and loving care for YOU as an autistic person. Perhaps ask yourself: “what would be the most loving thing for myself right now?” What care, sweetness and support might you give yourself? Perhaps that’s amplifying your autistic blueprint of health or stim dancing.
Unpacking the shame we carry is a process! Make sure to be gentle with yourself and focus on small doable steps.