I love my queer autistic inner child so damn much. Sometimes I look at photos of my younger self and I just want to swoop in and cover her with kisses, love and remind her that she is so incredibly worthy, special and lovable. But sometimes it’s also painful to remember how for so many years she felt like there was something wrong with her because she was growing up in a heteronormative and ableist society. A huge part of reclamining my queerness and authentic autistic self have been doing a lot of reparenting and unpacking of things like compulsory heterosexuality and ableism. Maybe you too?

Here’s what I know: your queer neurodivergent inner kid deserved to be cared for, supported and loved for your authentic self. Which is the hard part about being a late bloomer is that for so long we haven’t been able to live out authentic lives because of very real things like:

Trauma
Compulsory heterosexuality
Ableism
Being gaslit around our authentic selves (aka “You’re not autistic, you’re just sensitive” or “being gay is just a phase.”)
Lack of education around queerness and neurodivergence.

I think it’s important to acknowledge that when we uncover key parts of ourselves, such as our queerness or neurodivergence, that there can be joy and “now everything makes sense!” while also shame, grief and rage. I hope you can make space for both the joy, delight and also the rage, shame and grief. All are so very welcome and make so much sense.

PRACTICE: Lay out two pillows, sit on one pillow and visualize an emotion you want to connect to (ideally an emotion that feels challenging and that’s been coming up a lot for you.) Speak to it, share how you’re feeling and how you feel about it. Rage. Cry. Complain. Then switch pillows and look back at your human self. As you embody the emotion, share everything you need to share. What wisdom do you want to share? What do you need? Go back and forth until you feel complete.

While I’ve been unpacking compulsory heterosexuality and ableism, I’ve also been tending to my queer autistic inner child and reparenting her. It’s hard to unpack heavy things like comphet and ableism and our inner child deserves lots of care! Each day looks differently but I love showing up for her with consistent care and providing her with some of the things that she didn’t get as a kid. Here are 5 ways you can reparent your queer and autistic inner child:

1.) Make a list of all the things that your inner kid deserved. Think of core developmental needs like the need to feel special, the need to feel safe, the need to feel appreciated, ect. Aim for 15-20 things and then phrase them like: "I give my queer inner child the validation she deserved" or "I celebrate my inner child's autistic self."

2.) Give your queer neurodivergent inner child the resources they deserved. Think YA novels with amazing queer and/or neurodivergent characters, guidebooks on being queer and autistic for kids/teenagers. Surround your inner kid with the resources that would have made them feel so safe, celebrated and cared for.

3.) Sit with your queer neurodivergent inner kid. The best way to reparent your inner child is to spend time with them! Visualize your inner child and speak to them. What do they need? What do they need to share? What are some things that might make them feel safer or cared for? If it feels doable, see if you can provide the support and care they need.

4.) Take your queer neurodivergent kid on play dates! If you grew up with trauma or feeling like you couldn’t be your true authentic self you might have missed out on a lot of play and joy! What does your inner chld want to do? Do that! It could be anything from going to a park to a science museum to going to a bakery and getting yummy pastries. What types of things would feel nourishing and fun to your inner child?

5.) Celebrate your queer neurodivergent kid! You deserved to be celebrated as a kid and adored for all that you are! Now’s the time to celebrate your inner child. Perhaps you throw them the coming out party they never got? Or you simply share with them how incredibly proud you are of them?

We all deserve a cake that celebrates our authentic selves!

Thank you for reading!

I hope this blog post was supportive. If you’d like to share a bit about your own experience with tending to your queer and trans needs-please feel free to share in the comments.

The information contained in this blog post is for general educational and informational purposes only and should not be construed as medical or mental health advice. The information provided is not a substitute for advice from a qualified professional who is aware of the facts and circumstances of your individual situation. We expressly recommend that you seek advice from a professional familiar with your specific situation.

Tiffany Landry is a queer autistic coach and trauma resolution practitioner. She works with queer and autistic clients in her programs Slow and The Autistic Mentorship. Tiffany also writes a newsletter on Substack called The Queer Autistic Newsletter.