Dating While Autistic: 4 Things I Do After Getting Ableist Comments

In the early months of realizing I was actually autistic I still carried a lot of internalized ableism and was still masking a lot of my autistic traits-all of which greatly impacted my experiences of dating. I opted for waiting to share that I was autistic instead of sharing right off the bat-this was honestly motivated by thinking someone would be less likely to be put off by me being autistic after getting to know me. As I reread that line, I can feel myself go “Holy internalized ableism!” But fast forward a year and much work done on my own internalized ableism and deep work on unmasking and I disclose very differently.

I don’t wait to share I’m autistic anymore for two very important reasons:

1.) I put it smack dap in my dating profile because if someone is ableist and doesn’t want to date someone autistic-I am SUPER okay with them swiping left! In fact, I would PREFER for them to swipe left instead of receiving ableist comments. As someone in an autistic Facebook shared once: “I am really okay with there being one less ableist person in my life.” Mic drop, indeed.

2.) Being autistic is who I am, it’s how I see and experience the world. That's not something I want to hide. On days when I have sensory overload I want to share that! When I’m reading a new autistic memoir that gives me so much autistic joy-I want to share that too! If I’m recovering from an autistic burnout I want to feel like I can talk about that too.

Note: This is a method that works for me but I highly support all autistics disclosing in a way that feels supportive for them. We’re all different and I trust that you will disclose in a way that feels the best for you :)

I’ve noticed that the more work I’ve done on unpacking my internalized ableism and unmasking that the more grounded and centered I feel when people have less than ideal reactions to me being autistic. Now that’s not to say that I enjoy comments like:

“Ohhh I love people with Aspergers”

“You might be high functioning, you’re so good at socializing!”

“I’m a neuroscientist and we’re looking for a cure!”

“What type of autistic are you?”

But I find that these comments don’t shake me like they didn’t when I was newly out as autistic. Now I notice that I sometimes feel exhausted or annoyed by these comments but I also have very clear boundaries. I can feel deep in my body “Uff, that comment was ableist and NOT okay.”

When I receive a comment that’s ableist or unkind, I do the following:

1.) I allow myself to feel it in my body. No bypassing here! What do I notice in my body? Are there any stories that come up? This might look like pausing, placing a hand over my heart and just softly noticing.

2.) I ask myself “how many spoons do I have and do I want to use some of my limited spoons to educate this person?” If I’m not that interested in the person who just made an ableist comment, I might unmatch them or simple state a very clear boundary. If I am interested in the person I might provide some compassionate education and boundaries.

3.) I remind myself that most people aren’t trying to be ableist assholes, they’ve just grown up in a neurotypical and ableist society and don’t have the knowledge. So I sometimes even say “I think this comment came from a lack of knowledge, but I just want to share that it’s harmful because….” I remind myself that even when there’s good intention, impact matters.

4.) I plump up my autistic blueprint of health! I stim dance, text my autistic besties, read my favorite autistic memoir, move my body. I celebrate my beautiful authentic autistic self.

The reality is that there’s still a lot of stigma around being autistic and dating while autistic can be challenging. But approaching dating from this space of knowing deep in our bones that we are worthy and lovable for our authentic autistic selves can feel like a game changer. It takes time to unpack our internalized ableism and to feel comfortable in our unmasked autistic selves. But when we do this important work, dating can feel more empowering. It becomes easier to share our boundaries. To share that our needs matter. To call others in when they say problematic and harmful things. To make dating feel good for our authentic autistic selves.