Is This Worth My Spoons?
Photo by Dstudio Bcn onUnsplash. Photo description: an image of six different colored spoons over a bright blue background.
An earlier version of this article was originally published in my newsletter The Queer Autistic Newsletter. You can find the original post here.
The past few weeks I’ve been attempting to use social media to market my coaching business. For those new to me, I’ve written a lot about my struggles with social media and how harmful I’ve found it for my autistic self. But also capitalism is a very real thing and social media has consistently been where I’ve found the majority of my clients for my coaching offers. So I made a social media launch plan which consisted on posting on Instagram five times a week and making 3 TikTok videos 5 times a week1. The best thing I can say about this little experiment is that at first I didn’t hate it. That it wasn’t exactly intolerable. I did find some unique little side effects though, mainly being sensory overwhelmed, getting sucked into scrolling and the fact that during this two week experiment it felt like I didn’t have enough energy to write my blog posts, engage in post continuing education or read as much as I usually do.
There were some beautiful things that happened. A few previous clients wrote me some kind comments. I published a TikTok titled “Calling all rural queers” which got over 2K views and 50+ comments. So many amazing queers living in the country! A lovely sex educator shared my new workbook The Autistic Dating Guide in their stories. But then last week I started to notice that I was feeling really sad and lonely. I’m grateful that I know enough about myself to immediately go “Oh, this is connected to being on social media.” While I am fairly isolated out here in the country and am actively looking for local friendships, when I’m off of social media I’m actually usually fairly happy. I spend more time outside, I notice how lovely the breeze on my face feels, I write and read more, in general I have more capacity to do the things I enjoy. My life feels slow, spaciousness and moves at a pace that works for me.
While I’ve previously shared a lot about the specific ways in which social media is harmful to my autistic self, what I want to focus on in this specific blog post is pacing. In the example of social media, social media is very loud (both literally and metaphorically) and fast. It’s too much, too fast and too soon for me-which ironically is a very basic definition of trauma. But I’ve also experienced relationships (both platonic and romantic) where the pacing was too fast, as well as practitioners where the pacing just wasn’t a match. The truth is that our pacing needs matter-in healing, relationships and communication. Our pacing needs matter because our needs, wellbeing and safety matter very much.
The Boom-or-Bust Cycle
Image description: Over a purple background there is an image of three orange arrows in a circle, next to each arrow reads the following sentences: "overextending ourselves and pushing past our limits", "fatigue and/or burnout", "rest and recovery." The title at the top of the image reads "The Boom or Bust Cycle."
I believe that honoring your unique pacing is important for people of all neurotypes but I specifically think it’s key for us neurodivergent folks. When I work with late identified autistic clients on designing a neurodivergent affirming life something we look at is honoring their pacing needs-specifically if they are in burnout. A way we can honor our pacing is by identifying when we are experiencing a boom-or-bust cycle. The boom-or-bust cycle is a common experience for people who have a chronic health condition, are disabled or experience pain or fatigue. On days when we have good energy it feels good to accomplish things and we might feel like we have to “make up” for the times when we can’t do those things. This could look like overextending yourself, ignoring (or not being aware of) your body’s cues and pushing your body beyond it’s limits. This is then followed by a crash and having to recover.
For neurodivergent people some boom-or-bust cycles can be expected due to things like our interest based nervous systems, hyper focus and our all of nothing way of thinking. But it’s important to note that it can become problematic when this cycle leads to burnout. Dr. Megan Neff of Neurodivergent Insights talks about how when we constantly push our bodies beyond their limits, it takes longer to recover each time we go through a boom-or-bust cycle and our burnout can deepen3. If you’ve identified that you’ve been doing the boom-or-bust cycle for some time, it might be supportive to validate that it probably makes sense. There are specific reasons why neurodivergent people are more vulnerable to the boom-or-bust cycle, such as hyper-focus, people pleasing tendencies (which can be a way neurodivergent people mask), internalized ableism and interoception issues. We can also stop getting into the boom-or-bust cycle by:
unpacking internalized ableism.
identifying & sharing your boundaries.
supportive rest & sleeping habits.
Pacing systems!
Pacing systems aka “Getting to know & honoring your energy”
Image description: Over a pink background there is a a graphic of two spoons with the title "get to know your neurodivergent spoon drawer."
Pacing systems are ways we can map out our energy and identify which activities drain our energy and which activities replenish our energy. It might be supportive to learn about Spoon Theory, get to know your own neurodivergent spoon drawer or explore the traffic light pacing system. It can be incredibly helpful to identify:
What environments, relationships and activities drain your energy?
What environments, relationships and activities replenish your energy?
We want to look at our spoons or energy with a neurodivergent lens. You might not have the social spoons to go out with your friends but you have the spoons to spend time researching your special interests. Amazing, so great to know that! As a personal example I know that I have very few social spoons so after socializing I make sure to factor in time to rest, replenish my spoons and do things that are restorative for me. The more self knowledge you have on your energy levels and capacity, the more you can identify your needs, share boundaries and get out of the boom-or-bust cycle.
Permission to explore.
Image description: Over a yellow background there is an image of purple flowers. The quote reads: "What environments, relationships and activities drain your energy? What environment, relationships and activities replenish your energy?"
I still don’t have an answer to how to market off of social media. I only know that the most loving thing for me continues to be to give myself permission to be human, make mistakes and continue to get clarity on what feels right for me. Something I think that is really helpful is to frame new habits, accommodations and new ways of being as explorations. We don’t need to get it right at first, we get to explore what feels supportive and accessible. Different stages of our life might also mean that something that used to feel supportive isn’t anymore-and that’s okay. Right now the things that feel supportive to me are:
Taking the last week off of each month. This I’ve been doing for awhile and it’s been so helpful for me and my business. On my week off I don’t do social media posts or newsletters and I don’t have client sessions. I use the time to rest, continue to learn through continuing education and just be.
Feeling into how I want to approach social media. I am considering taking another Instagram break and potentially making videos for TikTok (but pre-recording them so limit my time on the app.) But I am keen to get back to blogging :)
Sitting with if I want to offer a group learning experience or an online Zoom autistic & queer support group/community hang. If you’re potentially interested in this, please let me know if the comments!
Committing to slowness and time in nature.
Actually, this doesn’t work for me.
Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is to name “actually, this doesn’t work for me” or “ohh, this actually really doesn’t feel good to me.” I think it can be so powerful when we both sit with the question of “is this a supportive thing for me?” and when we name the things that simply aren’t supportive. These can be big or small things. I personally believe that small boundaries can be just as important as big ones. For example: my boundary with my family that I can’t do spur of the moment plans or unplanned visits helps prevent me going into shutdowns. That’s a BIG impact! When I was experiencing a sensory emergency this Spring I simply let my friends know that I didn’t the capacity to text and was happy to arrange phone call dates with them. That was another small boundary that had a huge impact. A commitment to going slow in my life has offered big benefits as well.
What are some small or big things that have a small or big impact on your life?
Resources consulted & further reading:
The information on the Boom or Bust Cycle comes from Dr. Megan Neff’s amazing workbook on Spoon Theory. You can learn more about this workbook here.
For information on pacing systems I encourage you to check out this blog posts by Dr. Megan Neff of Neurodivergent Insights here.
Thank you for reading!
I hope this blog post was supportive. If you’d like to share a bit about your own experience with the Boom or Bust cycle-please feel free to share in the comments.
The information contained in this blog post is for general educational and informational purposes only and should not be construed as medical or mental health advice. The information provided is not a substitute for advice from a qualified professional who is aware of the facts and circumstances of your individual situation. We expressly recommend that you seek advice from a professional familiar with your specific situation.
Your autistic healing matters.
I hope this blog post was helpful in your own autistic healing journey. I truly believe that us late diagnosed autistics deserve autistic affirming healing and I hope you have the best practitioners, tools and support for your own healing.
If you’re seeking autistic support and healing, I’d love to support you in my 5 month program The Autistic Mentorship. It includes:
An intensive intake session & healing map to identify your goals and developmental objectives that we’ll work on in our program together.
Three (75 minute) sessions a month.
Lots of support & education: think recap emails + personalized practices sent to your inbox, neurodivergent workbooks and resources and two optional 30 minute check-in calls.
You can find out more about The Autistic Mentorship here.
Tiffany Landry is a queer autistic coach and trauma resolution practitioner. She works with queer and autistic clients in her program The Autistic Mentorship. Tiffany also writes a free newsletter on Substack called The Queer Autistic Newsletter.