Autistic Adults and Rebuilding Self Trust.
Image description: in the photo there is a woman wearing a blue dress hugging herself and standing in a field, her eyes are closed and she looks content.
I’ve said more times than I can count in a coaching session to a client “what if your anger is actually a healthy response to this situation?” or “what if your response actually makes so much sense?” In other words, what if there wasn’t anything wrong with you, that it wasn’t that you got triggered or are out of your window of tolerance but that your emotion or response actually actually makes so much sense? Something I see a lot in my coaching program working with late diagnosed autistic adults is the negative impact that having our experiences consistently invalidated has on our sense of self. When you are consistently being told things like “you’re just too sensitive, that noise isn’t too loud” or “you’re just being a drama queen, stop having a tantrum” it impacts your ability to trust yourself, your emotions and your body. Which is why part of our healing journey as late identified autistics and AuDHDers is learning to trust ourselves, our emotions and our bodies. In this blog post I’m going to share a few ways we slowly begin to build a sense of trust in ourselves and in our bodies.
The common autistic experience of being denied our experiences.
Unfortunately many undiagnosed neurodivergent children, teens and adults experienced being invalidated or denied their experiences. It’s important to note that this can often happen due to a lack of education about neurodivergence-but that it has a very real impact. If you grew up consistently getting the message that what you experience is wrong or not considered valid then it can become difficult to trust your own experiences. This can lead to very real consequences for autistics like:
Not getting the support you need as an autistic person.
Experiencing internalized ableism.
Difficulty identifying and advocating for your needs.
Experiencing unsafe intimate relationships and sex.
Challenges trusting your body cues.
Difficulty sharing boundaries.
Staying in unsafe situations, relationships and environments.
At the core being invalidated around our experiences can lead to use feeling shame, confusion and a lack of trust in ourselves. So how can we slowly begin to rebuild our self trust?
1.) Identify the messages you received and the impact.
The first part of rebuilding our self trust is to identify the messages we were told and to get clarity about the impact. That could look like making a list or talking about it with a neurodivergent affirming coach or therapist. For example:
Invalidating message: “I was consistently told that I was too sensitive and needed to toughen up.”
Impact: “It caused me shame and prevented me from advocating for my sensory needs. This meant that I consistently masked my sensory pain and felt shame about being too sensitive.”
Invalidating message: “I was told that I was a drama queen and just seeking attention when I was in extreme distress and having meltdowns.”
Impact: “Being shamed and dismissed when I was in extreme distress meant that I didn’t get the care I needed when I had meltdowns. This led me to feeling shame when I had meltdowns and self blaming myself post meltdown instead of focusing on my post meltdown recovery.”
It might bring up a lot to see the specific ways in which you were invalidated and the very real impact it had on your sense of self and autistic wellness. It can be supportive to take all the time you need to feel any emotions that come up-such as grief, sadness or anger. Note: This can be a very tender process so it can especially helpful to have a neurodivergent practitioner to support you and process this step.
2.) Create boundaries as an act of self-care and protection.
An important part of rebuilding our self trust is to create a safe distance from harmful behavior. This can look like physical or emotional distance as well as setting clear boundaries. So if you’re still being invalidating for your own experiences or emotions, it can be important to:
Create safe distances from people and environments that are unsafe. This is a way you can honor, respect and validate your needs, emotions and experiences.
Set boundaries and clear consequences. Example: “If you say _______, I will leave the gathering and go home.”
Name your needs. Example: “I need you to listen to me when I share with you my sensory needs.”
All of these things are ways you honor your needs, safety and protection. It might be supportive to whisper to yourself: “I deserve to feel safe” or “I am so worthy of being in environments and relationships that are safe and affirming.”
3.) Validate, validate, validate.
The first step is begin to validate our own experiences in small doable ways. It can also be really supportive to receive validation from a neurodivergent affirming coach or therapist, friend or partner. It might feel supportive to tell yourself or to hear someone tell you:
“Wow, it makes so much sense that you had a meltdown in that situation.”
“Your anger makes so much sense, what happened really wasn’t okay.”
“Uggg that environment was so loud, it’s so natural to get overstimulated.”
“The way you communicate makes so much sense and is so logical!”
“I’m so proud of you for leaving the situation, it really wasn’t safe.”
When you hear yourself or someone else validate your experience it might be supportive to take a pause and notice what comes up. Perhaps it feels good or there’s a bit of self doubt or maybe you notice a specific emotion coming up. Practice just being curious and asking yourself “what’s here to notice?”
Image description: In the photo there is a red haired white woman sitting on the floor of her living room and leaning against the sofa. There is a computer, cell phone and mug on the floor next to her. She is hugging her arms around her knees and looks thoughtful.
4.) Small and doable experiments of trusting yourself.
When we’ve received consistent messages that invalidate our experiences it can be so hard to trust ourselves. Which is why we want to explore small and doable ways we can have the lived experience of trusting ourselves. You can see it as an experiment or as small steady steps in building your self trust muscle. Some examples of some ways you might do this are:
Noticing when you have a specific intuition or sense about a person or situation and telling yourself “I trust that what I feel is true” or “I trust that I can trust how I feel.” You then might notice specific examples that you were right to trust yourself.
If it feels doable you might explore noticing your autistic needs and trusting them. Example: Trusting when you start to feel a bit sensory overstimulated and removing yourself from the environment.
Trusting yourself and letting go of things that don’t feel supportive or good. For example: Trusting yourself that there’s something about a new partner that doesn’t feel good and deciding to break up.
It can be so supportive to notice each small moment when you could trust yourself-whether that’s making a specific decision, not doing something, trusting your autistic experiences or setting a boundary. It might feel supportive to explore what it feels like to notice specific moments where you trusted yourself.
I trust myself.
Slowly rebuilding our self trust is such an important part of our autistic healing journey. It is so important to begin with small doable steps and to celebrate each tiny shift and progress. It might be supportive to notice what it feels like to begin to trust yourself and yourself experiences.
When it feels hard to trust ourselves I always recommend that we begin with so much compassion and validation. It makes so much sense that it feels so hard and what would it look like to have so much compassion for the hardness of it? If we feel stuck a few things that can be supportive are:
Dreaming out loud or journaling to “what would it feel like to even imagine the possibility of trusting myself a bit more?”
Do 5-10 minute timed writings to the prompts of “if I trusted myself what would I say or do?”
Ask yourself: “show me an example of a time I trusted myself.”
Explore representations of self trust in humans, animals, creativity.
Thank you for reading!
I hope this blog post was supportive in your own journey of trusting yourself. If you’d like to share a bit about your own experience with self trust-please feel free to share in the comments.
The information contained in this blog post is for general educational and informational purposes only and should not be construed as medical or mental health advice. The information provided is not a substitute for advice from a qualified professional who is aware of the facts and circumstances of your individual situation. We expressly recommend that you seek advice from a professional familiar with your specific situation.
Your autistic healing matters.
I hope this blog post was helpful in your own autistic healing journey. I truly believe that us late diagnosed autistics deserve autistic affirming healing and I hope you have the best practitioners, tools and support for your own healing.
If you’re seeking autistic support and healing, I’d love to support you in my 5 month program The Autistic Mentorship. It includes:
An intensive intake session & healing document to identify your goals and developmental objectives that we’ll work on in our program together.
Three (75 minute) sessions a month.
Lots of support & education: think recap emails + personalized practices sent to your inbox, neurodivergent workbooks and resources and a bonus check in call to use when needed.
You can find out more about The Autistic Mentorship here.
Tiffany Landry is a queer autistic coach and trauma resolution practitioner. She works with queer and autistic clients in her program The Autistic Mentorship. Tiffany also writes a newsletter on Substack called The Queer Autistic Newsletter.