Here’s How To Make Sex Sensory Accessible If You’re Autistic
I remember the first time I realized that I had been masking my whole life in my sexuality. At the time I had recently been diagnosed with autism and was slowly beginning my unmasking journey. It was both tender and exciting to identify all the ways I had previously been masking in my sexuality and pleasure. As a certified sexuality coach I began exploring ways I could unmask in my sexuality as well as ways in which I could make sex accessible for my sensory needs.
For many autistics sex can sometimes feel like a sensory minefield. Sex can sometimes feel sensory overwhelming, we might struggle to communicate during sex or simply have trouble advocating for our autistic needs. Here are some favorite tips and practices in making sex sensory accessible for your lovely autistic self!
1.) Your autistic needs & boundaries matter in sex.
If you struggle with knowing that your needs matter or experience internalized ableism it can sometimes feel challenging to advocate for your needs and boundaries during sex. The first step is to tend to your worthiness and needs. Your needs matter so so much. Sometimes a good first step is to start off by just identify your needs.
Practice: Make a list of your needs during sex. What do you need to feel good during sex? What are some sexual boundaries you have? What feels like a sexual YES to you? What feels like a sexual NO to you?
After making a list of your needs and boundaries, you might feel into what it feels like to simply name these needs and boundaries. How does it feel to imagine these needs being met and these boundaries being honored?
2.) Identify your sensory yes’s and no’s.
What are your sensory yes’s or yums? Aka what feels really good sensory wise during sex and pleasure? What feels sensory bad during sex? You could identify:
Types of touches that feel good.
Different things during sex that feel good.
Talking or no talking? Music or silence?
What types of sexual play feel sensory yummy to you?
Are there toys or safer sex barriers that support your sensory needs?
Practice: Make a list of your sensory yes’s and no’s in sex. You might consider sharing your list with a partner(s) or even friends! You could invite them to share their sensory yes’s and no’s with you too!
Once you identify your sensory yes’s and no’s you can brainstorm with your partner(s) how to make sex sensory accessible for both of you!
3.) Practical suggestions to support our autistic sensory needs in sex:
Here are some practical suggestions of frequent sensory challenges during sex.
Smell 👃: To support your sensory related to smell needs during sex you could:
Use smells that are pleasing to you (light a candle, use incense or essential oils.) Remember that adding sensory yums during sex is important!
If certain natural smells feel sensory overloading you could shower together before sex.
Taste 👅: to support your sensory needs related to taste during sex you might consider:
Use barriers during oral sex (such as dental dams, condoms or Lorals) or flavored lube if body fluids taste cause sensory overload.
Have your partner(s) shower before hand or have shower sex.
Option to opt out of oral sex if it doesn’t feel good.
Hearing 👂: to support your auditory needs during sex you could:
Use headphones or ear plugs during sex.
Have sex be silent or listen music.
Silence or have there be talking.
Use sound machines with different sounds such as rain, white/pink/green noise or more.
Touch 🫱: to support your sensory needs related to touch during sex you could share with your partner(s):
Which types of touches feel best to you: soft or firm touches.
Share where you like to be touched and where you don’t want to be touched.
Use barriers if certain touches don’t feel good. Ex: use dental dams if pubic hair feels sensory overstimulated during oral sex.
Make time for touches that feel sensory delicious-both to give and receive.
Sight 👁️: to support your visual sensory needs during sex you might:
Use low lighting, turn off the lights or use a special light that feels sensory good to you.
Share with your partner that you don’t enjoy intense eye contact.
Use an eye mask or cover your eyes during sex.
4.) Set yourself up for communication success!
A huge part of making sex accessible is communicating with your partner(s). I always like to remind myself that sharing my needs with my partner gives her permission to share her needs too. Here are some doable ways you can communication with your partner about your autistic needs before, during and after sex:
Before you have sex it’s important to have a talk where you share your sensory yes’s and no’s, your sexual boundaries and how you’ll communicate during sex. This is how you create a safe foundation for sex.
Create safe words if you have trouble communicating during sex. It could be a simple red: stop, yellow: pause, green: keep going.
Share how much you like to communicate during sex. Does it feel good to have your partner check in with you during sex? What are some signs that you need a pause? Are you usually silent during sex or do you tend to make a lot of noise? These are all important things to share during sex so you partner can have all the information they need so sex feels supportive and safe for both of you.
After sex check-ins can feel supportive. You might share with your partner things you liked and also brainstorm together if anything didn’t feel good or felt sensory overwhelming for either of you.
You deserve sex & pleasure to be accessible.
Making sex accessible for your autistic self is a process that involves identifying your sensory needs, communicating them with your partner and setting yourself up for success. For many late identified autistics we might be used to “barreling through”, people pleasing or masking in our sexuality and intimate relationships. It can be empowering to advocate for your sensory needs, to share your sensory yes’s and no’s and to work together with your partner(s) to create a sex life that feels accessible and pleasurable.
Here’s to a fantastic sex life that’s accessible, pleasurable and centers your autistic sensory needs!
Thank you for reading!I hope this blog post was supportive in your autistic burnout recovery journey. If you’d like to share a bit about your own experience with autistic burnout-please feel free to share in the comments.
The information contained in this blog post is for general educational and informational purposes only and should not be construed as medical or mental health advice. The information provided is not a substitute for advice from a qualified professional who is aware of the facts and circumstances of your individual situation. We expressly recommend that you seek advice from a professional familiar with your specific situation.
Your autistic healing matters.
I hope this blog post was helpful in your own autistic healing journey. I truly believe that us late diagnosed autistics deserve autistic affirming healing and I hope you have the best practitioners, tools and support for your own healing.
If you’re seeking autistic support and healing, I’d love to support you in my 5 month program The Autistic Mentorship. It includes:
An intensive intake session & healing document to identify your goals and developmental objectives that we’ll work on in our program together.
Three (75 minute) sessions a month.
Lots of support & education: think recap emails + personalized practices sent to your inbox, neurodivergent workbooks and resources and a bonus check in call to use when needed.
You can find out more about The Autistic Mentorship here.
Tiffany Landry is a queer autistic coach and trauma resolution practitioner. She works with queer and autistic clients in her program The Autistic Mentorship. Tiffany also writes a newsletter on Substack called The Queer Autistic Newsletter.