3 Practices to Connect To Your Sexuality & Pleasure
Image description: A photo of a woman wearing a white short dress and laying in a bathtub, her hands are on the top of her thighs, there are flowers in the bathtub.
If you grew up in this patriarchal cisheteronormative society you probably learned a lot of messages about sexuality and pleasure that didn’t exactly put you first. I often think of our society as such a mind f*ck when it comes to sex because we grow up seeing conflicting messages like “5 Ways to Please Your Man” and also lots of messages rooted in purity culture that slut shame us. If you grow up socialized as a woman I’m sure you also grew up drinking that compulsory heterosexuality Kool Aid where you were taught that the goal was to please your boyfriend/husband in bed, get married and create the All American Dream family. Maybe that worked for (and if so I love that for you!) but what about YOU? What about your pleasure and sexuality and desires?
I think the majority of us didn’t grow up learning about our bodies, our pleasure and how to connect to our sexuality. So sometimes we can feel like our sexuality is something to be fixed-whether that’s having better orgasms, wanting to have sex more or healing your sexual trauma. All of those things are so valid but I sometimes think a better place to start is by asking ourselves: “what type of relationship do I want with my sexuality? To my body? To my sexual yes’s and no’s?” If you’ve been feeling sexually broken or disconnected from your sexuality, here are four things I would love to invite you to do.
1.) Write out your deepest dreams about your sexuality. Imagine that for a moment you suspend reality, what you think is possible or doable and just focus on your wildest dreams about your sexuality. Write it all down and notice how your body feels? Are there any sensations that come up? Perhaps there’s some body impulses that you could follow?
2.) Honor your sexual boundaries. Imagine that you grew up in the most loving (and sex positive) village and you were taught that your sexual boundaries were so valid, that you could always say no. That you could take breaks from having sex if you wanted. That you could name your sexual limits and no’s. What are things you might say no to? Perhaps make a list or speak your sexual boundaries out loud or even share them with a partner.
3.) Make a list of 20 things that give you pleasure-both sexual and non-sexual pleasures. Note: there must be 20! So even if it’s something like “eating a bowl or ice cream” or “taking a nap.” Then I’m going to invite you to pick 1-3 things that might feel accessible to do. Make a star chart (yes, just like in Kindergarten!) and write 1-3 super small and doable pleasurable things you can do. Note for all your perfectionists: the goal is not to be perfect. Aim for maybe doing 1-2 things of your 3-4 doable pleasureable activities.
4.) Get to know your body and your pleasure. Think of this like you get to know a new person or someone you’re dating, you get to know them slowly right? So you could do things like:
Giving yourself a body massage.
Telling your body compliments.
Gazing at your genitals.
Dancing in your living room.
Eating yummy food.
Buying a new toy and exploring with it.
Stim dancing.
Mid day naps.
Write a love letter to your body.
It doesn't matter so much what you do, it matters more that you’re doing small doable things to connect to your body and pleasure. You’re getting to know your body and pleasure and honoring what it wants and desires. Remember that small steps lead us to big and beautiful shifts. Celebrate each small step and honor your own journey with your sexuality and pleasure.
Tiffany Landry is an autistic life coach and trauma resolution practitioner for queer & autistic clients. As a certified sexuality coach + certified trauma resolution coach she loves supporting autistic clients on coming home to their authentic selves.
The information contained in this blog post is for general educational and informational purposes only and should not be construed as medical or mental health advice. The information provided is not a substitute for advice from a qualified professional who is aware of the facts and circumstances of your individual situation. We expressly recommend that you seek advice from a professional familiar with your specific situation.