“But What is Masking, Really?”
An earlier version of this article was originally published in my newsletter The Queer Autistic Newsletter. You can find the original post here.
Image description: A woman wearing a red dress is leaning against a tree and surrounded by nature. A pink square with two yellow lightning bolts has black text on it which reads “But what is masking, really?” The background of the graphic is a light blue.
This past Wednesday I’m walking down the street of the busy city where I used to live and now visit to do errands. It’s hot, noisy and crowded thanks to the hellish Sidewalk Sales that are going on. So I’m walking with my AirPods in, music blasting and flapping my hands. It’s just what my body wants to do so I do it-and I don’t particularly care if people stare at me. I mean what’s more beautiful than someone stimming? But there was a time when I very much did care. I can remember the first time I flapped my hands in public and how scary it felt. Or how self conscious it made me when people would stare at me wearing my noise cancelling headphones. When I was newly diagnosed it felt scary to take the teeniest tiniest steps in being my authentic Autistic self.
It’s been almost three years since I received my autism diagnosis (and longer since I started self-identifying as Autistic) and there’s a comfort to myself that simply wasn’t there before. The truth is that when I first heard the concept of unmasking I was like “YES!” The double whammy of coming out later in life and then realizing that I’m an AuDHDer made me want to make up for lost time. I had spent so long hiding my feelings, invalidating my experiences and feeling shame for being “bad” and “strange.” So I leapt head first into learning about what masking was and how to begin to unmask. But unmasking is a lot more nuanced than how people (myself included!) talk about it on social media. Masking and unmasking is complex, nuanced and needs to include things like: privilege, the impact of stigma and safety.
What is masking, then?
So what is a more nuanced definition of masking? I really appreciate how Dr. Megan Neff of Neurodivergent Insights defines masking as “the conscious or unconscious act of suppressing or camouflaging Autistic traits and behaviors as a safety response or due to a need to socially blend in with neurotypical norms.” In Dr. Neff’s Autistic Unmasking workbook she unpacks how early research on Autistic camouflaging focused on masking being an adaptive strategy to fit in socially but how more recent research views masking as a survival strategy. Dr. Neff shared in their workbook how in the book Autistic Masking: Understanding Identity Management and the Role of Stigma authors Pearson and Rose view masking as an instinctual urge for safety, that comes from a need to evade harmful interactions and traumatic experiences. So masking can be a conscious or unconscious way we protect ourselves from danger, stigma, being excluded or marginalized.
Masking & unmasking looks different for different people.
Image description: There is a clothing label on the inside of a grey shirt. The label reads in red letters “unmasking can look like” and the black text reads “creating conditions of safety, exploring what gives you joy. Stimming. Advocating for your needs. Autistic joy and pleasure.” There are symbols of a heart, smily face, book, coffee cup and a leaf.
Content on unmasking on social media is typically geared towards high masking late diagnosed Autistic or AuDHDer individuals. Unfortunately on short form social media platforms (such as TikTok or Instagram) there’s often a lack of nuance. This means that conversations on unmasking might not include conversations on:
Individuals who have never consciously masked.
Autistics and AuDHDers who can’t mask and might wish for the ability to do so.
Trans Autistic people might mask as a way to navigate a transphobic society. There’s also the added complication of the fact that many Autistic Trans people can have their gender identity questioned because of being autistic-so they might feel pressure to mask so they can access gender affirming care and services.
BIPOC Autistics face higher risks to their safety if they unmask due to systemic racism. For example, BIPOC Autistics might need to mask a meltdown in public to ensure their personal safety.
How we can’t safely unmask until it’s safe for all our our identities to unmask. For example: as a queer autistic person unmasking in my sexuality and neurodivergence are connected.
There are situations where the most safest thing might be to mask and that’s okay.
How can I begin to unmask then?
Image description: The graphic shows an internet search with the words “how do I unmask"?” followed by related searches such as “learn about masking and unmasking”, “create conditions of safety”, “unpack internalized ableism”, “explore things that give you pleasure and joy” and “notice moments of unmasking.”
So if masking is a safety response then a key part of our unmasking journey is going to focus on creating safety. I believe that we can do that by:
Exploring a more nuanced approach to masking and unmasking. That could look like acknowledging that masking and unmasking is complex and isn’t about just choosing to “take off the mask.” It might feel supportive to take away the pressure to unmask or even to read about the benefits/cons of masking and unmasking.
Unpacking internalized ableism and stories/messages you’ve heard and/or internalized that are rooted in shame and stigma. A helpful part of my own unmasking journey was unpacking my internalized ableist beliefs and rewriting them from an autistic affirming lens.
Creating conditions of safety. This could look like making environments more sensory safe, connecting to Autistic culture, exploring how you can advocate for your needs, healing Autistic Trauma with a neurodivergent affirming therapist or coach.
Exploring unmasking for yourself first. Before unmasking in front of others you might get to know your authentic self by yourself. You could do that by tending to your sensory needs in your home, exploring things that give you pleasure, joy and delight.
Bring awareness to the moment when you’re being your authentic self. How does it feel to connect to your authentic self? What’s there to notice in terms of emotions, body sensations or cues?
Focus on play and pleasure.
I like to reframe unmasking as “coming home to my authentic self” or “discovering my authentic self.” Unmasking is a big topic and many late diagnosed autistics might wonder “but how do I even begin to unmask?” We can begin to unmask in the smallest doable ways by asking ourselves “what gives me joy?” and “what gives me pleasure?” In their workbook on unmasking Dr. Megan Neff recommends focusing on comfort and pleasure as a way to get to know your authentic likes and dislikes. You might:
Go on a Pleasure Hunt in different areas of your life. Just like a Treasure Hunt where you’re searching for an item, the thing you’re searching for it what gives you comfort, pleasure and joy.
Explore things that feel sensory delightful and yummy to you (and alternatively what sensory things feel like a clear no to you.)
Try out different ways of stimming and see which ones feel good to you.
Give yourself permission to play! Perhaps that’s spending time with a special interest, collecting something you loved as a child or just following your natural impulses throughout the day. How do you want to move? What activities feel good to you?
My journey with unmasking.
Image description: Over a teal background a quote written in white text reads: “the more I deepen in my own journey of unmasking the more it feels like a slow and steady homecoming to my authentic self.”
When I look back at my own unmasking journey the thing that I’m most proud of is how I learned to love and embrace my authentic self. I truly love how my brain works and when I notice an internalized message pop up I approach it with kindness and curiosity. I’ve become very skilled at both identifying my needs and advocating for them, as well as validating that my needs make so much sense. I also want to name that I 100% didn’t do it alone. I’ve worked with Autistic affirming practitioners, I’ve received so much support and care from the Autistic community and from my close Autistic and AuDHDer friends. I also want to name that I still sometimes mask! I feel like it’s important to name the both/and of that getting to know my authentic self has been really beautiful and there are still situations and environments where I mask-and that’s totally okay.
When we’re starting to explore unmasking it can be so important to approach it with kindness, curiosity and to honor our natural pacing. Can you explore one small doable step in unmasking and notice how that feels? Often making small steps as we begin to unmask can create big and create important shifts. It might also be supportive to celebrate each small step you take in your own unmasking journey. The more I deepen in my own journey of unmasking the more it feels like a slow and steady homecoming to my authentic self. I can feel a softening as a I get to know myself, my likes and dislikes and the ways in which I prioritize my autistic wellness and joy. I hope your own unmasking journey also feels like a gentle homecoming to your authentic self, neurodivergent joy and pleasure.
Resources consulted & further reading:
“Autistic Masking” Workbook by Dr. Megan Anna Neff of Neurodivergent Insights, page 03-the emphasis is mine.
Autistic Masking: Understanding Identity Management and the Role of Stigma by Amy Pearson and Kieran Rose.
Thank you for reading!
I hope this blog post was supportive. If you’d like to share a bit about your own experience with unmasking-please feel free to share in the comments.
The information contained in this blog post is for general educational and informational purposes only and should not be construed as medical or mental health advice. The information provided is not a substitute for advice from a qualified professional who is aware of the facts and circumstances of your individual situation. We expressly recommend that you seek advice from a professional familiar with your specific situation.
Your autistic healing matters.
I hope this blog post was helpful in your own autistic healing journey. I truly believe that us late diagnosed autistics deserve autistic affirming healing and I hope you have the best practitioners, tools and support for your own healing.
If you’re seeking autistic support and healing, I’d love to support you in my 5 month program The Autistic Mentorship. It includes:
An intensive intake session & healing map to identify your goals and developmental objectives that we’ll work on in our program together.
Three (75 minute) sessions a month.
Lots of support & education: think recap emails + personalized practices sent to your inbox, neurodivergent workbooks and resources and two optional 30 minute check-in calls.
You can find out more about The Autistic Mentorship here.
Tiffany Landry is a queer autistic coach and trauma resolution practitioner. She works with queer and autistic clients in her program The Autistic Mentorship. Tiffany also writes a free newsletter on Substack called The Queer Autistic Newsletter.