When I think back to the process of coming out as a lesbian in my mid-thirties what I’m most grateful for is all the queer centered healing that I did. While everyone’s experience of coming out later in life is going to be different I know that for me it felt tender, exciting, overwhelming and brought up a lot of grief. So I created queer healing practices and tended to my queer inner child with so much care, kindness and devotion. I showed up for my late blooming lesbian self through somatic practices, writing my queer self love notes and validating that all of my emotions made so much sense. When I work with queer folks on coming home to their queerness, I love to invite them to start off by tending to their queer inner child. To slowly identify the core queer needs that didn’t get met in childhood and to meet them now as adults. In this blog post I’m going to share five queer inner child practices you can do to tend to your queer inner little one.

What is queer inner child healing?

You deserved so much care, support and celebration as queer kid and teenager. Unfortunately, many of us didn’t get the queer specific care that we needed. Queer inner child healing is a way we can gently tend to the trauma, unmet needs or traumatic invalidation that our younger selves experienced. I believe that queer inner child healing is a crucial part of tending to our queer healing. It’s a way we can show up for our queer inner child and say: “you matter so much and I’m so sorry that you didn’t get the care you deserved as a kid. I’m here now and I’m going to take care of you.”

Just like any type of healing work we want to do queer inner child healing in small doable steps, honoring our nervous system and celebrating each step that we take. Queer inner child healing can feel tender and bring up a lot, so I highly recommend doing this work with a queer affirming therapist or coach. It’s also very important to do this work with care and to honor our own pacing. What would it look like to tend to your queer inner child with care, devotion and a pacing that feels good to both of you?

Let’s go over 5 ways to reparent your queer inner child.

1.) Make a list of all of the things your queer younger self needed.

A big part of queer inner child healing is to identify your queer specific unmet childhood needs and to explore ways you can get them met now as an adult. It can be supportive to make a list of all the things that your queer younger self needed and then to pick 1-3 things you want to start to work on. Let’s say that a huge need that your younger self had was to feel seen and heard in their queerness. You’ll then explore ways you can get that unmet need met now as an adult. A few ideas might be:

• Writing a letter to your queer inner child and sharing what you love and appreciate about their queerness.

• Doing a somatic practice and asking your inner child: “what would have made you feel really seen and heard?”

• Look at photos of your younger self and say some loving words about how beautiful your queer younger self was.

I suggest working with 1-3 unmet needs at a time to make this work more doable. It’s a great idea to keep the original list so you can go back and pick new needs to explore how to meet now as an adult.

2.) Give your queer inner kid the resources they never got.

Part of my inner child work was “gifting” my inner child with the YA books she loved as a kid (but was really nervous about having.) What resources would have felt so amazing, fun and supportive to have as a kid or teenager? That could look like:

• Reading queer YA novels that you know your younger self would have loved!

• Reading a guidebook for LGBTQIA+ teenagers.

• Watching movies that you know would have given your queer little one so much queer joy!

• Giving your queer inner teenager the sapphic sex education resources she never got.

3.) Connect with your inner child.

A somatic practice that I absolutely love is to sit down and visualize my inner child sitting in front of me. If you’ve never done this practice before or inner child work feels really tender I highly recommend having a queer affirming coach or therapist guide you. As you sit and visualize your inner child you might:

• Speak loving words to your queer inner child.

• Ask your inner child “is there anything you need or would like to share with me?”

• You could ask specific questions like: “is there anything that would feel supportive to receive or hear?”

You might visualize your inner child speaking to you and requesting a specific needs. If it feels doable see if you can meet that need. It can sometimes feel supportive to connect with your inner child on a regular basis, whether that’s on your own or in a therapy or coaching session.

Note: if you’re newer to inner child healing work or connecting to your inner child feels tender, I highly suggest doing this practice with a trained somatic therapist or coach. If your history includes CPTSD or other types of trauma please work with a trained practitioner.

3.) Take your queer inner kid on play dates!

A key part of reparenting your inner child is to spend time with them! Go on play dates with your queer inner kid. It might be helpful to ask yourself or your queer inner child:

• “What would they like to do?”

• “What types of things would feel fun, nourishing and queer affirming?”

When we’re doing any type of inner child work it’s important to remember that you’re the parent. So let’s imagine that your inner child is like “it would feel really affirming to stay up all night and have a queer move marathon” but you know that you have to get up the next day to go to work and 6+ hours of watching TV doesn’t feel sensory ideal. You get to be the parent and propose a compromise or even another option that would be supportive for both of your health and well being. What serves your queer inner child? It’s okay to say no when something doesn’t serve them, is dangerous or wouldn’t be supportive for one or both of you.

5.) Celebrate your queer inner child!

Your queer inner child deserves to be celebrate! Celebration can often be an unmet childhood need and it can be so healing to celebrate your queer inner child. You could:

• Throw your queer inner kid the coming out party that they never got!

• Write a letter to your queer inner kid and share all the things you love about their queerness.

• Connect with your inner kid and share how incredibly proud you are of them.

• Pick a day to celebrate your coming out/coming in anniversary and gift your queer inner kid with presents and cake!

• Make a list of all the things your younger self would have loved to be celebrated for and pick 1-3 ways you can celebrate your younger self now.

It might be supportive to notice what it feels like to celebrate your queer inner child. It is possible to give permission to all the emotions that come up?

Queer inner child healing can be tender.

Queer inner child healing can feel so tender and bring up a lot of emotions. It might feel healing and bring up sadness that you didn’t get the care you needed as a kid. Tending to your inner kid could feel like a lot of fun and bring up some grief and anger around your unmet needs. As someone who has both done a good amount of inner child healing and guides clients through inner child healing I always recommend working with a trained practitioner to provide safety and containment. It can also be really supportive to:

• Truly honor your own pacing around queer inner child healing. Consider your history and current capacity and ask yourself: “what would be the most supportive pace for this type of healing work?”

• Instead of trying to do all of these 5 tips, can you focus on just one? I always suggest starting with the smallest doable piece.

• Can you celebrate how you’re investing in your queer healing and well being? That could look like naming “Wow, I’m showing up for my queer healing with so much care” or asking a friend or practitioner to celebrate you for the ways you’re showing up for this work.

I hope this blog post felt supportive and that you tend to your queer inner child with so much devotion and care!

Thank you for reading!

I hope this blog post was supportive. If you’d like to share a bit about your own experience with reparenting your queer inner child-please feel free to share in the comments.

The information contained in this blog post is for general educational and informational purposes only and should not be construed as medical or mental health advice. The information provided is not a substitute for advice from a qualified professional who is aware of the facts and circumstances of your individual situation. We expressly recommend that you seek advice from a professional familiar with your specific situation.

Tiffany Landry is a queer autistic coach and trauma resolution practitioner. She works with queer and autistic clients in her programs The Intro Coaching Package and The Autistic Mentorship. Tiffany also writes a newsletter on Substack called The Queer Autistic Newsletter.